FOREWORD
In 1974 my book HOW TO REAR CHILDREN was published. Its first offspring was
born in 1978 and was named HOW TO REAR TEENAGERS. Soon I began to travail
again, realizing that perhaps the most important time in the molding of a
child's character was his infancy. As a result of these labors was born HOW TO
REAR INFANTS, which I lovingly and prayerfully present to those excited young
couples who are eagerly anticipating the joys and responsibilities of
parenthood.
Dr. Jack Hyles
DEDICATION
Lovingly dedicated to that faithful and loyal army of ladies who work in the
nursery at First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, who do so much for so many
so unselfishly. Unknown to us but known to our Heavenly Father and recorded in
His books are the names of the thousands of people who have been converted
because of the contribution made to our services by these dear servants of God.
Hence the author dedicates this manuscript to:
Glendarae Lanouc - Nursery Director
Kay Andrews, Debbie Donley, Judy Anderson, Jeanne Donovan,
Bette Atkinson, Betty Elwell, Pat Atkinson, Alechia Evans, Ruth Atkinson, Rose
Farley, Linda Ault, Barbara Farmer, Sudie Beasley, Doris Fink, Cindy Blackburn,
Karen Fink, Jan Brown, Marjean Finn, Susan Brubaker, Kathy Fleming, Jackie
Bryant, Linda Flesher, Terry Buchholz, Margaret Foutch, Katrina Bullard, Cassie
Franklin, Flo Burns, Karen Gehling, Kris Burr, Connie Gardner, Peggy Carter,
Tricia Griffin, Beverly Clark, Gail Gilley, Elaine Colbert, Trudy Glover, Jean
Colbert, Bettie Goldsborough, Pam Connor, Carla Gomez, Glenda Coon, Chris Hall,
Darlene Corbin, Pat Hamilton, Susan Crislip, Patsy Harrington, Mary Deneve,
Diane Harris, Judy Hayes, Donna Moors, Peggy Hayes, Glenda Morgan, Barbara
Heatherly, Bea Mulligan, Kay Hedge, Pat Mundt, Susie Heidenreich, Christine
McClain, Kathy Hiles, Nancy Nack, Sarah Holeman, Karen Nisely, Hazel Hotkiewicz,
Neva Norrell, Carol Huckins, Donna Nottoli, Sue Huey, Dian Ogle, Nancy Hulet,
Jan Olenhouse, Karen Hurley, Jeri Osborn, Barbara Jones, Carol Overstreet,
Delores Jones, Linda Parker, Joyce Jones, Sandy Perkins, Marianne Jones, Debbi
Petropoulos, Marilyn Jorgensen, Erlene Phelps, Linda Kelly, Bonnie Pickering,
Dianna Kendrick, Dawn Pidkaminy, Sharmaine Kennedy, Stephanie Potter, Georgia
Kirk, Patricia Powell, Kathy Klingensmith , Evelyn Poynter, Connie Kurtz,
Denise Preston, Barbara Kuykendall, Sally Pruitt, Doris Lail, Dianna Pulliam,
Teresa Lands, Jeanne Ray, Judy Leib, Robin Rhoades, Linda Lockhart, Pam Rhodes,
Leslie Lundy, Vicki Riggle, Jillana Mann, Pat Roundtree, Joan Marker, Judy
Rushing , Ruth Minton , Alma Scales, Sue Minton, Ann Seifreid, Cora Moake,
Jenny Seward, Barbara Mock, Cindy Shelar, Vickie Mooney, Rose Shepherd, Kathy
Moore, Frances Shirley, Launa Shoemaker, Sandy Simcox, Jan Simpson, Pat
Sinclair, Karey Sisson, Vicky Skow, Ann Smith, Char Smith, Doris Smith, Sherrie
Snavely, Leah Snow, Tina Sonday, Candy Spear, Priscilla Staab, Lorry Steen,
Sandy Stiller, Liz Stombaugh, Maxine Stromberg, Rhonda Talley, Maribeth Taylor,
Joyce Tesseneer, Vicki Tevault, Connie VanWienen, Gayle Vargo, Jan Vogel,
Sheryl Vyborny, Denise Walters, Deborah Watts, Marcia Weber, Connie Weddell,
Donna Weddell, Roberta Wertz, Ginny Wilson, Mary Pat Wilson, Jean Wolfe, Diane
Wood, and Mary Young.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jack Hyles began preaching at the age of 19 and has pastored for over 30
years. These pastorates include churches that varied in membership from 19 to
over 48,000. All of these pastorates, other than the present one, were in the
state of Texas:
First, the Marris Chapel Baptist Church of Bogata, Texas; then to the Grange
Hall Baptist Church in Marshall, Texas; from there to the Southside Baptist
Church of Henderson, Texas; and then to the Miller Road Baptist Church of
Garland, Texas. He pastored the Miller Road Baptist Church for 7 years and saw
this church, under the Lord, grow from a membership of 19 to over 4,000. It was
from the Miller Road Baptist Church that he was called to his present pastorate
at the First Baptist Church in Hammond, Indiana.
Dr. Hyles has been Pastor of the First Baptist Church since August, 1959. This
church has a membership of over 48,000 and has averaged for the past 4 years
over 23,000 conversions and 7,000 baptisms per year. For many years the church
has been acclaimed to have the "World's Largest Sunday School."
During Dr. Hyles' ministry the First Baptist Church has increased in property
evaluation to over $21,000,000.
Besides his position as Pastor, Dr. Hyles is Superintendent of Hammond
Baptist Schools - Hammond Baptist Grade School, Hammond Baptist Junior High
School, Hammond Baptist High School, and Hammond City Baptist High School - and
Founder of Hyles-Anderson College. The College, now in its 7th year,
matriculated over 1,500 students this year. It is housed in a beautiful 76-acre
campus with buildings valued at $10 million. (All of the schools are operated
by the First Baptist Church and are housed in separate facilities away from the
church property.) Dr. Hyles has served as President of the Baptist Bible
College in Denver, Colorado. He is now Assistant Editor - Conference Director
of the SWORD OF THE LORD, America's foremost Christian weekly. He also serves
as a Vice-President of the Sword of the Lord Foundation.
Dr. Hyles is the author of 27 books and pamphlets exceeding over 5 million
copies in sales. One long-play record by Dr. Hyles is also available,
"Let's Go Soul Winning" (awarded by the Evangelical Film Foundation
an Oscar as the outstanding talk record of 1967), as well as many tape-recorded
sermons.
Dr. Hyles' experience covers numerous evangelistic campaigns, Bible
Conferences, etc. He has preached in virtually every state of the Union and in
many foreign countries. His annual Pastors' School attracts preachers from
every state and many foreign countries. More than 3,600 registrants attend each
year.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter One: PREPARING FOR THE BABY
Chapter Two: THE DAYS AT THE HOSPITAL
Chapter Three: NOW YOU ARE AT HOME
Chapter Four: TEACHING CHARACTER
Chapter Five: SPEND SOME TIME AWAY FROM YOUR BABY
Chapter Six: DISCIPLINING AN INFANT
Chapter Seven: TEACHING THE CHILD ABOUT GOD
Chapter Eight: EXPRESSING LOVE TO YOUR CHILD
Chapter Nine: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Chapter Ten: DISCIPLINE AND PUNISHMENT
Chapter One: PREPARING FOR THE BABY
Someone is coming to live in your home. Serious and loving preparations should
be made for his arrival.
The wise couple will realize that every aspect of their lives is about to
change. They should discard the stereotype picture of parenthood which
emphasizes the joys, thrills and excitements and deemphasizes the problems that
are sure to arise. If these problems are predicted, and if proper preparation
is made for them, a couple will not find themselves disappointed and
disillusioned by parenthood. Such preparation not only can avoid domestic
strife and marital problems, but it can bring the parents even closer to each
other, and the baby can be a reconciler rather than a divider. Several types of
preparation should be made.
Definite plans should be made so that there will be
ample time for Mom and Dad to be alone. They must be aware that before the
first baby arrives, they have been alone together, and that now a very
attractive and enticing intruder is about to enter on the scene. Before he
enters, they must both promise and plan to spend time alone together after he
arrives. They must plan to continue to be sweethearts. They must also face the
reality that the baby is only theirs on loan for a few years. In 18 or 20 years
he will be gone, and Mom and Dad will still have each other.
They must purposely plan to be closer to each other
on the day of his departure than on the day of his arrival. There are just a
few hours between the bassinet and the honeymoon suite, between the playpen and
the college dormitory; between the moment that the proud parents observe the
nurse arriving with their new loved one and the moment that together they watch
daughter disappear as she leaves the marriage altar. Proper preparation before
the baby's arrival can insure that both his coming and leaving will bring Mom
and Dad closer together.
When Mother and child return from the hospital some
assistance will be needed for at least a few days. Careful planning is
important for you, for your child, and for the relationship between the two of
you. Whatever assistance is secured and arrangements are made, it is vital that
you realize that the little one that is coming is YOUR baby and YOUR
responsibility. This outside help that comes in must not interfere with the
quick adjustment of parents and child and must not retard that spontaneous
warmth and affection that is God-given. DO NOT BRING SOMEONE IN TO TAKE CARE OF
THE CHILD! Let the assistance be in caring for the meals, the house, etc. This
will enable the parents to give more time to the baby and to other children in
the family. Too much emphasis could not be given to the fact that the parents
should take care of the child. Outside assistance could take care of cleaning,
cooking, shopping, and other household responsibilities. Spend your time giving
assurance to older children, becoming acquainted with the baby, and offering
each other the security of increased love. It is not necessary that the parents
employ an experienced nurse to come and care for the baby. It is not necessary
that Grandmother be brought in to take care of the baby. This is not to say
that Grandmother should not be the one chosen to assist, but whoever it is
should confine his or her duties to performing a task that will free the
parents so they can spend more time with their new arrival, with each other and
with other children. More than your baby needs professional care, he needs you.
God has placed emotional appetites within the breast of that little one that
can be satisfied only by the ones who gave him life. No one else can
substitute. In some cases, this may require a frank talk with Grandmother and
Grandfather who oftentimes will remind you that they have raised several
children of their own and that they are experts in the field. No such expertise
can take the place of the ones who gave life to this winsome little intruder.
No amount of experience can take the place of maternal and, yes, paternal
instinct and love.
It might even be wise for Dad to take part or all
of his vacation for this little period of adjustment. Bear in mind, after
marriage, there was the honeymoon so the couple could get to know each other
better and adjust and blend. Perhaps at the coming of a child there should be a
"little honeymoon" where Mom and Dad and baby can learn to adjust to
each other.
The wise grandparents will allow for such time.
They will give themselves to making it easier and more conducive for the new
unit to become adjusted. This is difficult, for there is the unique joy and
thrill given to grandparents upon the arrival of their grandchildren. How proud
they are! How boastful they feel! This is certainly a natural reaction.
This excitement, however, should be properly
channeled. Perhaps it would be good for the grandparent to pause and remember.
Then he may adjust his behavior to that which he once wanted from his own
parents when his children were born.
If a couple cannot afford a nurse or a housekeeper,
and if relatives are not available or their coming would cause problems, there
is yet another place where a mother can turn for help. She could turn to her
own husband. Many husbands take vacations during the first days after the baby comes
home, and they clean, cook, wash, and in general, help to free the new mother
to become adjusted with her baby. One thing is often overlooked, and that is,
just as there is a mother instinct, there is also a father instinct. In some
cases, perhaps Dad is the best help of all!
Serious discussion and consideration should be
given to breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Do not wait until the last moment to
make this decision. Sometimes the decision is not made until the baby is born,
and maybe even in the delivery room the doctor will ask for a decision. This is
not the time to decide. Mom and Dad should have spent hours carefully weighing
the pros and cons of breastfeeding.
In some cases, bottle feeding is best. However, it
is the opinion of this author that there are many advantages derived from
breastfeeding. In the first place, there is the instinctive desire in the baby
to be close to the body of the mother. This instinct carries with it a desire to
feel and see the face and to hear Mother's voice. These appetites can be
satisfied as the child spends hours with Mother and develops a closeness that
cannot be developed when Mother props a bottle on a pillow beside the baby and
goes into the other room to watch television, or for that matter, to perform
routine chores. If for any reason breast feeding is impossible, I strongly
advise the mother (or father) to hold the baby while feeding him, especially in
the early days of his life. Close contact is very important!
The child could be given a formula occasionally,
even though the mother is breast feeding. This will give Dad an opportunity to
feed the baby and will also provide a gradual process of weaning.
Another advantage of breastfeeding is that it insures
the proper temperature for the baby's milk. It also prevents the sour smell
when the baby is burped. It insures the fact that the diet has been provided by
God rather than by man. It also helps to prevent dental problems later in life,
for the breast is an aid in preventing the baby in becoming a tongue thruster.
It also enables the proper supply of milk to be available. It certainly is
easier for the night feedings (especially for Dad!). Breast feeding usually
makes Mother less tense, for it guarantees that she will have a time to relax
periodically during some very busy days of her life.
I have been pastoring over 30 years. I have never
met a mother who regretted breastfeeding her baby. Occasionally I have talked
with mothers who wished they had done so. Let me hasten to stress, however,
that it is not wrong or sinful to bottle feed the baby. There are some cases
(though very rare) when the mother cannot provide enough milk. Then there are
some mothers who are so emotionally tense that it would not be healthy for the
baby to be breastfed. It is, however, usually best for the baby to be fed from
his mother's breast so he can feel the warmth from her body, the touch of her
hand, the contour of her face and where he can hear her voice as she speaks and
sings to him.
A study was once made which arrived at the
conclusion that puppy dogs who were weaned too soon became destructive,
especially with their mouths, and that this carried even into their adulthood.
These dogs who were weaned prematurely chewed up table legs, chairs, beds,
curtains throughout their lives. On the other hand, the dogs that were weaned
naturally and later were not destructive. They seemed to be more contented than
those who were prematurely weaned.
Before the baby arrives, the parents should sit
down and talk and pray together. They should seek God's will concerning the
child's feeding. They should secure whatever facts are available on the
subject. If there is a disagreement, the mother's opinion should be the most
important, for if the mother were to breast feed the child against her own
wishes, it could cause more harm than good.
Let me hasten to say in the beginning that this
preparation should not be overdone. Some parents become extravagant in their
expenditure of money for purchasing gifts for the older children.
This is not wise. The children cannot be prepared
with presents, things, material objects. They, like Dad, must be assured that
the coming of the baby will not lessen their importance in the family, but
rather increase it. They must realize that the baby will have a place of his
own and that he will be an important part of the family, but that his place has
nothing to do with the place of the other children. Each child has the place he
has always had and is as important or more so than he was prior to the baby's
arrival. Wise parents will see to it that the older child has some of their
attention. This attention should not be demanded or even sought, for it is
unwise for a child to feel that he must demand attention in order to get it. In
some cases he will even resort to misbehavior to get this attention. The
parents should explain to the child that there is a unique love for him that
can never be diminished or threatened by the coming of another human being into
the home. The love that the parent has for the older child is unique because he
is unique; it is different because he is different. He must be led to believe
that he has a special place in the home that no one can fill. The parents,
however, should realize that it is normal and natural for the older child to
have some degree of dislike about the idea of competition coming into the home.
Because of this, the parents must prepare him before the baby comes by letting
him know that he has a place no one can fill and that the baby will provide no
competition whatsoever. Again, don't overdo it. Don't try to buy him off with
expensive gifts. Rather, with calm assurance give him some undivided attention
without his having to demand it to let him know that he will become even more
important. Let him know that you will need help-his help-in rearing the baby.
Remind him that God has given him to you as a helper during this time. Remind
him that he is to be an example and a pattern to whom the baby can look. Remind
him that he will be the baby's hero. Remind him that you had him first, and
that will always make him a very special person. Take time to cuddle the older
child, especially after the baby comes. Be sure he gets his share of attention.
Tell him that the baby is coming. Get him excited about it. Tell him some
things he can do to prepare. Let him be part of the family preparation. Mother,
while you are in the hospital, call home several times, especially after the
birth of the baby, and tell the child at home that you have already told the
baby how wonderful he is! As soon as possible, introduce the baby to the older
child. As you do, tell the baby what a wonderful brother or sister he has. Let
the older child become a part of the total happening.
It should also be stressed to the older child that
the baby will not be able to play immediately. He should be made aware that the
baby is fragile and must be treated carefully for a few months.
The mother should realize that the child has the
same problem that Dad has. Both Dad and child can feel threatened. The wise
mother will provide ample security and assurance to these who love her and who
need her love in a unique way to them. Never scold the child if he seems to be
jealous. Overwhelm him with the positive, do not confront him with the
negative.
This is a vital part in preparing for the baby.
Done properly, it can provide an even happier home. Done carelessly or not done
at all, it can provide emotional and psychological marks on the lives of
parents and children that will never leave.
It is tremendously important that care and prayer be a part of the choosing
of a name for the baby. Too many of us think of names as being mere
identification tags, but the right name can have a lifetime effect on the new
human being that you are about to bring into the world.
In ancient times each person was given but one name and that name usually
was a descriptive one that was hand tailored to fit. These names were chosen
much like nicknames are chosen now; such as, "Red," "Slim,"
"Rusty," "Pleasant," "Grace," "Hope,"
etc. Sometimes these names were related to some circumstance surrounding birth
or some quality of character or some achievements performed later in life. For
example, Adam means "formed of red earth." Andrew means
"manly." Naomi means "pleasant."
Later it became popular to name babies after outstanding characters. This
meant that many people had the same names. Hence, people began giving family
names and later, even middle names. Family names were usually derived from
occupations, trades, local events or local surroundings. Here is a fellow, for
example, who is named Bill. He is tall, so he would be called Bill Tall. There
might be a Bill Short or a Bill Strong.
As parents choose the name for a child, there are several things that should
be considered. Remember that the name given to the child will be a part of his
identity for life. It can affect his personality; it can affect his security;
it can even affect his acceptance by other people and his popularity. It could
even adversely affect his opportunities for success in his chosen profession.
Some parents try to be clever in naming their children and often cause much
harm later in life. For example, if the last name is Green, it would be unwise
to name the child Kelly, for no one would want to go through life with the name
Kelly Green. If the family name is Hill, parents should resist the temptation
to be clever by naming the child Ima, for who would want to be called Ima Hill
for lifetime!
Care should be taken to be sure that the child's name distinguishes his sex.
For example, in some countries a boy could be appropriately named Francis Jean
or even Joyce, but in other countries this is not appropriate, for these are
names uniquely suited and given to girls.
Often religion should affect the choice of the name for the baby. Catholic
children are often given the name of a saint. Jewish children are usually named
for some member of the family who has passed away. Christian children are often
given Bible names such as Jacob, Joseph, John, James, David, Stephen, etc.
It is wise to consider rhythm in naming the child. It is usually best when
the surname has only one syllable such as Smith that the given name has two or
more syllables such as Bobby Jones, Johnny Smith, Betty Cook, etc. When the
surname has two syllables such as Parker, Little, etc., a three-syllable first
name is often suitable such as Anthony Roberts, Melinda Johnson. If the surname
has three syllables, it is good for the first name to have only one or two
syllables such as John Peabody, Susie Rosenbloom, etc. A good rule to follow is
this: The given name and surname should have a different number of syllables.
Now this is not always the case and certainly not a fast rule, but simply a
guideline.
In naming a baby the parents should also consider the potential nicknames
derived from the given name. Robert is usually called Bob, Richard is usually
called Dick, etc. Think of all the possible nicknames that people (especially
children) could devise.
Also, consider the danger of naming a child after someone whose footsteps
you want him to follow. For example, it would be unwise to name a child George
Washington, expecting him to become president someday; or Babe Ruth, expecting
him to become a baseball star. Parents should not determine the vocation that
their children pursue. They should not give them a name with the expectancy of
their becoming a likeness of their namesake. Now, it would be fine for someone
to name a child Stephen, in hopes that he will have the courage of Stephen; or
John, in hopes that he will be as faithful as John, but care should be taken
not to expect the child to follow in professional footprints.
Do not leave the child with a name that is a novelty. For example, I know a
fine man whose name is Forrest Ranger.
Choose a name, but then say the name over and over again to make sure it
will not be a cause for embarrassment in years to come.
Be extra careful to look into the meaning of names before you name a child.
For example, you would not want to choose a name which means "dark"
for a child who is of light complexion, or a name which means "small"
or "little" for a child who may someday become huge.
Remember that you are doing your child a favor if you give him a name he
will enjoy. Though he can legally change his name, usually he will not. He will
bless you if you give him a name that is pleasant to the ear and positive in
its impressions.
FOLLOWING ARE THE MEANINGS OF SOME NAMES FOR BOYS:
Aaron - a mountain of strength; he who is exalted
Adolph - a noble helper
Adrian - brave
Allan - harmony, graceful
Albert - intelligent, bright
Alexander - a helper of men; a protector
Alvin - a friend to everybody
Andrew - manly
Anthony - graceful, valuable
Arnold - strong as an eagle
Arthur - strong as a bear; strong as a rock
Arvin - a friend of people
Asa - physician
Aubrey - chief who is fair-haired, rich and mighty
Austin - renowned
Baldwin - prince friend
Barry - son of Harry; also spear
Bart - ploughman
Baruch -blessed
Basil - kingly
Ben - blessed
Benjamin - son of right hand
Bernard - bold as a bear
Bertrum - fair and pure
Boris - a fighter
Boyd - light-haired
Brian - strong
Brice - ambitious; alert
Byron - a clear discerner
Caleb - bold
Carl - strong; manly
Chalmer - king of the household
Charles - manly; of great strength
Chester - fortified
Christopher - Christ-bearer
Clarence - bright; illustrious
Clark - scholarly
Clement - mild, kind
Conrad - wise counselor
Curt or Curtis - courteous
Dallas - skilled
Daniel - God is my judge
Darcy - stronghold
Darrell - beloved
Darren - loved
David - beloved
Davin - the bright one
Dennis - lover of fine wines
Dillon - faithful
Dominick - born on Sunday
Douglas - dark
Drew - skilled and honest
Druce - wise man
Duane - singing
Duke - leader
Durand - enduring
Durwin - dear friend
Dustin - stronghearted leader
Dwight - light
Edgar - good spearman
Edmond - blessed peace; defender of happiness
Edward - happy guard; guardian of happiness
Edwin - rich friend or happy conqueror
Eldon - respected
Eldridge - wise adviser
Eli - highest
Elmer - noble
Elmo - friendly
Emel - industrious
Emery - ambitious
Enoch - dedicated; educated
Eric - lord; hero
Ernest - serious; sincere
Ethan - strength; power
Eugene - well born
Ezra - helper
Farrell - valiant
Felix - happy
Fergus - strong; fierce
Forest - from wooder country
Forestor - keeper of the preservation
Frank - free; courageous
Frederick - peaceful
Gabriel - God is mighty
Gale - lively
Galen - healer
Gardiner - flower lover
Garett - mighty sword
Garner - the defender
Garrick - mighty warrior
Garth - ground keeper
Garvin - friend
Gaylord - joyous
Gene - noble; well born
George -farmer
Gifford - gift
Gilbert - pledge
Gilroy - the king's faithful servant
Godfrey - God's peace
Godwin - beloved of God; a conqueror for God; divine friend
Gordon - a fine man; a strong man
Graham - stern; gloomy; a frowner
Grant - brave
Gregory - watchman
Griffith - red-haired; ruddy
Gunter - bold warrior
Guy - guide; leader, director
Gustave - noble
Harold - leader of the army
Hans or Hansel - a gift from the Lord
Harrison - son of Henry
Harry - son of Henry
Henry - ruler at home
Herbert - great fighter
Hermon - noble warrior
Herwin - a lover of battle or a friend
Hilary - cheerful; merry
Hilliard - protector
Hiram - most exalted; most noble
Holden - kind
Homer - pledge
Hosea - salvation
Houston - from a mountain town
Hoyt - of shining mind
Hubert - a bright mind
Hugh - intelligent; thoughtful; wise; high; lofty
Hume - lover of home
Humphrey - protector of the home
Hyman - masculine
Irvin - friend of the sea
Isaac - laughing
Jack - God's gracious gift
Jason - healer Jay-lively
Jeffrey - joyful peace
Jeremiah - exalted of the Lord
Jeremy - exalted of the Lord
Jerome - holy
Jesse - God's gift
Joab - praise the Lord
Job - one who mourns; one who is persecuted
Joel - he who wills or commands
John - God's gracious gift; grace
Jonah - peace or dove
Jonathan - gift of the Lord
Joshua - saviour or deliverer
Joses - helped by the Lord
Junius - born in June
Kemp - a soldier; champion at arms
Kendall - chief of the valley
Kenneth - good-looking
Kerby - from the church village
Kervin -noble; kind; friendly; handsome
Kimbal - brave
Kirk - living close to the church
Knute - kind
Kyle - fair and handsome
Lambert - innocence
Lance - servant
Lang - tall
Lawrence - laurel; crowned with honor
Lawton - man of refinement
Leland - of the lowlands
Lemuel - consecrated to God
Leo - brave as a lion
Leroy - the king
Ludwig - safeguard; good leader
Luther - famous warrior
Lyle - from the island
Madison - mighty
Malcolm - dove
Manuel - God with us
Mark - brilliant; polished; born in month of March
Martin - marshall; warlike
Matthew - gift of the Lord
Maurice - dark complexion
Maynard - strong and mighty
Medwin - strong friend
Meredith - sea protector
Micah - like unto the Lord
Michael - God-like
Miles - soldier
Mordecai - a wise counselor
Myron - myhr; a sweet smell
Nathan - gift of God
Nathaniel - gift of God
Neal - champion
Neil - champion; of a dark complexion
Nestor - continual wisdom
Noah - consolation; peace
Noble - to be admired; renowned
Nolan - renowned; to be admired
Norman - man from the north
Nortan - from the north place
Odel - wealthy man
Oliver - oliver tree; symbol of peace
Oscar - bounding warrior; he who leaps to the fight
Osborne - divinely strong
Osmond - protected by God
Otis - quick to hear
Otto - wealthy; a mountain
Parry - protector
Parker - keeper of the parks
Patrick - noble
Paul - little; small; gentle
Peter - little rock
Philbert - radiant soul
Philip - lover of horses
Powell - alert
Preston - of the priest's place
Prior - superior
Proctor - leader
Quartus - fourth son
Quentin - born
Radburn - he lives by the red brook
Raddiff - from the red cliff
Radford - by the red valley
Raymond - quiet; peaceful; wise protector
Redmond - adviser
Regan - royal
Reginald - mighty ruler
Ruben - behold, a son
Rex - king
Richard - generous; benevolent; liberal; wealthy
Richmond - powerful protector
Robert - bright shining; famous
Roderick - generous counselor; famous king
Rodney - famous in counsel
Rodger - famous warrior
Russell - red-haired
Samuel - asked of God
Saul - longed for; desired; asked of the Lord
Scott - a Scotsman
Shawn - God's gracious gift; grace
Seth - chosen
Sewell - victorious at sea
Shane - God's gracious gift; grace
Sherwin - true friend
Sigmund - victorious protector
Sinclair - saintly; shining
Sloan - warrior
Solomon - peaceful
Sprague - quick
Standley - the pride of the camp
Stephen - a crown
Sterling - honest; genuine
Stewart - keeper of the estate
Sumner - one who summons and calls
Sutton - from the south of town
Tate - cheerful
Tadis - son of David
Ted - happy guard; guardian of happiness
Terence - tender
Thad or Thadeus - praise
Theodore - gift of God
Thomas - a twin
Timothy - one who honors God
Titus - safe or saved
Tobias - goodness of God
Tony - graceful; valuable
Townsend - from the end of town
Tracey - a brave protector
Trent - swift
Truman - a faithful man
Tyler - a maker of tiles or bricks
Tyson - a German son
Val - might; power
Vance - son of a famous family
Victor - conqueror
Vaughan - small
Vernon - flourishing; green
Vincent - the conqueror
Vincin - the conqueror's son
Virgil - strong; flourishing
Wade - mover or wanderer
Waldo - mighty; powerful
Wallace - from Wales; a foreigner
Walter - chief of an army; woodmaster
Ward - watchman; guardian
Ware - always careful
Warner - protector
Warren - protecting friend
Webster - a weaver
Wendell - a wanderer
Wilfred - peaceful
William or Will - determined protector; protector of many; defender; shield
Winfred - friend or winner of peace
Winston - from the friendly town
Winthrop - from the friendly village
Willie - charming
Yancy - English man
York - sacred tree
Zachery - the Lord's remembrance
FOLLOWING ARE THE MEANINGS OF SOME NAMES FOR GIRLS:
Abby - sweet refuge
Abigail - her father's joy
Ada - significant; of great beauty; ornament; joyous; prosperous
Agatha - good
Agnes - pure; chaste; gentle
Aimee' - beloved
Alberta - bright; noble
Alda - rich
Alethea - truth
Alexis - helper of mankind
Alice - noble; illustrious; truthful
Aline - noble
Alma - fair
Althea - wholesome
Alvina - bright; joyous
Amanda -beloved
Amelia - busy; energetic; a good worker
Amy - beloved
Andrea - brave; noble
Angela - angelic
Anita - gracious; merciful
Ann - grace
Annabel - beautiful Ann
Arabella - sweet; a refuge
Aurella - golden hair
Aurora - dawn
Angie - angelic
Anya - grace
Ardis - fervent; zealous
Astra - like a star
Audrey - strong; noble
Barbara - a stranger
Beatrice - blessed; happy
Belinda - graceful in motion
Becky - see Rebecca
Beryl - gem
Bernice - she brings victory
Bona or Bonnie - good; fair
Beth - house of God
Beverly - a beaver meadow
Billie - wise protector
Bina - a princess
Blanche - fair; white
Bobbi - stranger; foreigner
Bonnie - sweet and good
Belinda - dark-haired; dark-eyed
Brenna - with black or raven hair
Bridget - strength
Candace - pure
Cara - friend
Carissa - graceful
Carla - strong
Carlotta - valiant
Carmel - God's fruitful field
Carmen - charming
Carol - joyous
Caroline - one who is strong
Carrie - one who is strong
Catherine - pure; virtuous
Cecelia - gray-eyed; musical
Celeste - heavenly
Chandra - she outshines the stars
Charissa - graceful
Charlene - strong
Charity - lovable
Charlotte - womanly
Charmaine - jittle song
Chlo - fresh; youthful
Christine - follower of Christ
Clara - shining; glorious; brilliant
Claribel - brightly fair
Clarice or Clarissa - fair; pure
Claudette or Claudia - lame
Clementine - mild in temper
Cleopatra - glory of her famous father
Coleen - a maid; little girl
Constance - stedfast; firm; unyielding
Cora - jewel of the sea
Corine - a maiden
Cornelia - symbol of royalty
Crystal - clear
Cynthia - from Mt. Cynthus; also, goddess of the moon
Darlene - dearly beloved
Davina - the loved
Dawn - daybreak; beginning
Deborah - industrious; active
Delilah - delicate
Delphine - a loving sister
Denise - god of wine and drama
Diana - clear; bright; the goddess of hunting
Dina - one who is judged and vindicated
Dolly - gift of God
Delores - sorrow
Donna - a lady
Dixie - girl of the south
Dione - daughter of heaven and earth
Dorcas - she who has beautiful eyes
Dorinda - a gift
Dulce - sweet
Drusilla - soft-eyed
Edith - happiness
Edna - pleasure
Eileen - light
Elaine - light
Eleanor - light
Elen - light
Elizabeth - oath of God
Eloise - much holiness
Elsa - cheer
Elvira - courage
Emily - busy; energetic
Ema - nurse
Earnestine - serious
Estele - a star
Esther - a star
Ethel - noble
Etta - ruler at home
Eudora - a beautiful gift
Eugenea - well born
Eunice - victorious
Eva - a mother; a life-giver
Evelyn - pleasant
Faith - a firm believer
Fanchette - free
Faustina - happy
Fay - a firm believer
Felecia - fortunate
Fern - sincere
Fidelia - of good character
Flavia - blonde
Flora or Florette - a flower
Florabel - a beautiful flower
Florence - prosperity
Frances or Francene - free; courageous; strong
Frieda - peaceful
Fritzie - peaceful ruler
Gail - see Abagail
Geraldine - spear power
Gladys - lame
Gloria - glory
Grace - kindness; patience
Gwendolyn - white-browed
Haidee - modest
Hannah - gracious; merciful
Harriet - rich and powerful
Hazel - one that sees God
Heather - lonely
Hedy - defense
Helen - light; bright dawn
Helga - holy
Henretta - ever rich and mighty
Hilda - battle maid
Holly - friendship and happiness
Hope - trust in the future
Hortence - a gardener
Huldah - quick; spritely
Ida - thristy
Imagine - beloved child; last-born
Ima - uncertain
Ines - pure
Irene - peace; iris; the rainbow; picture of beauty uniting earth and sky
Irma - friendship; fidelity
Jaquelin - supplanter
Jane - God's grace
Jean, Jeanette, Jennie, Jenny - God's grace
Jemina - a dove
Jennifer - white wave
Jessica or Jessie - wealthy
Jewell - life
Jill - soft-haired
Joy - gladness
Joyce - vivacious
Juanita - God's grace
Judith - one who praises
Julia - soft-haired
Justine - righteous
Karen - pure
Kathryn and Kathleen - little darling; pure; beautiful eyes
Lala - a tulip
Laura or Laurette - laurel; emblem of fame
Lavania - left-handed
Leah - weary
Leila - dark beauty
Lena - peace
Leona - l ion
Letitia - joy, gladness
Lida - people's love
Lily or Linda - pretty
Lois - virtue
Loretta - emblem of fame
Louise - protector of the people
Lucretia - a good housewife
Lucia, Lucille, Lucinda, Lucy - light; born at daybreak
Lynn - a pool or lake
Mabel, Mabelle - fair one
May - weeping
Mae - weeping
Malvina - smooth forehead
Marcela - brave
Marcia - brave
Maria - merry
Marie, Marietta - distressed or tearful
Marilyn, Marlene - distressed or tearful
Maxine - the greatest
Maybelle - fair one
Melanie - black
Melinda - sweet as honey
Melissa - honey bee
Merie - blackbird
Mildred - gentle
Mina - beloved
Miranda - admirable
Mona - alone
Monica - one dwelling alone
Muriel - of sweet scent
Mira - weeping
Nada and Nadeen - hope
Nancy and Nanette - grace
Naomi - pleasant
Nina - small darling
Nola - honor
Norma - pattern; example
Octavia - the eighth born
Olga - righteous
Olive and Oliva - peace
Opal - hope
Palma - victory
Pamela - sweetness; a brunette
Patience - aflicted without complaint
Patricia - of noble birth
Paula and Pauline - gentle; little
Pearl - health and long life
Perpetua - lasting
Phoebe - radiant
Phyllis - a reed
Polly - bitter
Portia - safety
Priscilla - old-fashioned
Prudence - wisdom; discretion; knowledge
Rachel - innocence
Rebecca - one who snares men by her beauty
Regina - a queen
Renee - revived
Rhoda - a rose
Roberta - a shining counselor
Rosabel - fair rose
Roselyn, Rosalie and Rosalind - pretty as a rose
Rosemund - rose of the world
Rose - symbol of love
Rosemary - rose of the sea
Rowena - to acquire peace
Roxana - dawn
Ruby - contentment
Ruth - beauty
Sabina - chaste; religious
Sarah - a noble lady
Selma - fair
Sibyl - divine
Silvia - of the forest
Sophia - wise woman
Stella - a star
Stephanie - a crown
Susan, Susanne or Susette - a lily
Tabitha - beautiful eyes
Thalia - flourishing; blooming
Theresa - a harvester; beautiful
Thora - consecrated
Ursella - a little bear
Valerie - healthy
Verna - youth ful
Victoria - conqueror
Viola and Violet - pretty; modest
Virginia - a virgin; chaste
Vivian - lively; merry
Yvonne - God's grace or gift
Zora - dawn
The wise parent will carefully and prayerfully choose a name. That name may
be a dream within the parent's breast. It may be a lovely description of the
child as the parent sees him. Remember, it is a gift given by the parents to
the child that is rarely ever returned.
Chapter Two: THE DAYS AT THE HOSPITAL
1. Extra care should be taken when there are already other children.
Junior has been the only child for a long time. Suddenly a new baby appears.
The first child soon discovers that his mother has another one. This new one
takes most of her time and most of her affection. He has been exiled from his
mother while she was in the hospital. Now the new baby moves into her bedroom,
feeds from her breast, receives most of her attention, and is the object of
most of her affection. The little intruder receives most of the hugs and most
of the loving talk from Mother. Jealousy soon creeps in. Mother is weak and
unable to run the house. It is all she can do to care for her little one. She
cannot possibly give her first child his usual attention. She cannot eat with
him, play with him or spend time with him as she could before the new arrival.
The child feels neglected. It is a sudden thing. No longer is he the most
important and the most attended. He feels wronged by his mother, and he is
jealous of the baby. He feels abandoned and isolated. Maybe he has been over
loved previously and now suddenly he who was perhaps even spoiled feels that he
is all alone in the world.
When the newborn begins to smile for the first time and do cute little
things and learn new skills, the older child becomes more frightened and more
jealous. He once had it all; now he has only a part. He will never have their
undivided love again. He will never receive what he once had-the place of being
the only loved one in his parents' hearts. This may result in his wanting to
attack verbally the younger child. This is especially true when the older child
is the first child. A second child never had all of the attention.
Hence, he will not be as jealous as was the first child. The wise parent will
take extra care to see that the first child is given extra attention and extra
love during these days of adjustment.
Surveys have proven that in a two-child family, the oldest is always more
jealous and selfish. He is also more likely to be reared "according to the
book," which means he will be more anxious and more restless. The second
child comes when the parents are more oriented in rearing children and more
relaxed. Studies show that the older child is more jealous and selfish, and the
second child is happier. The first child was trained more severely than the
second. He was weaned earlier than the second. He started toilet training
earlier than the second, and in general, received more attention than the
second child. Because he did receive more attention, he has more attention to
miss when the second child appears. Often the first child will try to hit the
baby, take his bottle, shove the baby out of Mother's lap, say he doesn't like
the baby, or call the baby a puppy. Sometimes the child will even suggest that
the baby be given back or sent back to whoever sent it. Some first children
even learn to resent the mother. Often the older child becomes sullen and may
even hit or kick the mother while she is nursing the baby. This hostility
toward the mother is a rare thing, but it does happen. If the first child is
very young when his brother or sister arrives, he himself may want to go back
to being treated like a baby. He may want to go back to the bottle again or
want to stay home from school or to soil or wet his pants. He may show jealousy
by wanting to sleep with his mother. He may tease the baby or hide his toys.
This kind of behavior on the part of the first child has driven many a mother
to despair. However, there are several things she can do.
(1.) Before the baby comes, the mother can prepare the first
child for his coming. She can assure him that there will never
be another like him, that he will always be the first, and that there is always
a special place in the heart of Mother and Father for the first child. She can
remind him that she needs his help in rearing the new baby. She can give him
chores to perform. It is also wise for the mother to spend a little less time
with the first child during the months of pregnancy which will enable her to
build up gradually toward the inevitable.
(2.) Once the baby has arrived, let the first child stay up 30
minutes or an hour longer than the baby. Let that be cuddling
time and loving time for him. Let it be time that is strictly his.
(3.) Remind the older child of all the things that he gets and
of the unique attention he gets that the baby does not get. Ride the
bicycle around the block with him, and while you are doing it, remind him that
you do not do this with the baby. Remind him the baby does not get these
privileges.
(4.) Brag on him when he treats the baby properly. Let
him know how proud you are. Tell him there are children who do not do that, and
that you are so proud of him because he loves the new baby. Tell him that it
makes you love him even more.
(5.) Have scheduled times when the two children play with each
other. Do not let them play for too long a period of time, or they will
get bored and the rivalry will increase. Let them play at regular intervals by
schedule for just enough time before the enjoyment wears off.
(6.) Be understanding and patient. Realize that the
rivalry and jealousy will come, but the intensity of such rivalry will decline
as Mother exercises patience and understanding.
(7.) The father can help here in the early days by giving extra
time to the older child. Father and child can really become better
acquainted as he explains that Mother wants to be with the older child very
much, but she has to be with the baby. The dad can explain to the older child
how happy he is because this gives him an opportunity to spend more time with
him. Their becoming buddies can help alleviate the jealousy and rivalry that is
so natural.
(8.) Much care should be taken to see that the general home
atmosphere is happier now that the baby is here. If it can be
obvious to the older child that there is a happier atmosphere at home and that
in general everything is better, he will be more apt to accept his new baby
brother or baby sister. Some parents have helped solve this problem by
gradually lessening the attention given to the first child as the time
approaches for the baby's arrival. In other words, gradually less and less time
was spent and even a little less affection was given. Then upon the arrival of
the baby, they returned to the old expressions and even sweeter ones, thereby
enabling the older child to feel that the coming of the baby gave him more
attention and more affection from his parents than ever. Subconsciously he
could associate this increase with the baby's arrival. He then feels that the
baby's coming is better for him than it would have been had there not been an
addition to the family.
Regardless of how severe the problem, it must be accepted by the parents as
normal, and they must be very patient. The husband must realize how he would
feel if another husband came into the home. The wife must realize how she would
feel if another wife came into the home. In a sense, this is the way the child
feels, for another child has come into the home. Forbearance, patience,
understanding, gentleness, longsuffering, kindness and calmness are in order
during these important days of adjustment for the young family.
2. The hospital should be carefully chosen.
The baby's first days of life are in the hospital. They are very important
ones. We do not know just how important they are nor what impressions are made
in the life of a newborn, but I am convinced that early impressions are
important ones. Every effort should be made to give the child an excellent
beginning in life.
Talk with your doctor about the hospital. Many people do not realize that
there is a direct relationship between the doctor and the hospital. Each doctor
uses certain hospitals. The parent has a perfect right to know what will happen
and what privileges he will receive at the hospital. He should know their
procedures. One new mother said to me, "I wish I had known in advance what
I found out when I got to the hospital; I would have gone somewhere else."
Another said, "If I had known my doctor works with that particular
hospital, I would have chosen another doctor."
The prospective parents should choose a hospital where the father is allowed
in the labor room. Some may even want the father to be present in the delivery
room, though I do not think this is nearly as important as is his presence in
the labor room.
They should choose a hospital that will allow some time for Mother and
Father and baby to be together alone so they can get to know each other. Some
hospitals allow the mother to keep her baby in her room so they may establish
an exact feeding schedule and get to know each other better. It should be a
requirement by the mother that the baby be brought to her room to spend some
time with her. Bear in mind, as soon as Mother gets home, she will not have all
the help she has in the hospital. As much time as possible should be spent with
the baby while at the hospital so that the baby may learn to feel instinctively
close to Mother and to feel loved by the mother. This also helps the mother to
gain confidence in the hospital so that she can feel a certain ease in handling
the baby when she gets home. Then she can be fortified with enough experience
to care for the baby and not feel helpless when she and the baby are at home
together.
It is tragic how impersonal some doctors and hospitals make this sweet
personal time of life. The mother should not be insulted by the doctor when she
asks for his hospital affiliation. The prospective parent has every right in
the world to receive information and make a wise choice. The mother should not
be made to feel neurotic and should not be insulted when she asks questions
that are legitimate. The hospital staff should not accuse the mother of being
overly anxious or untrustful. If there is ever a time when a human being needs
compassion and human understanding, it is while at the hospital giving birth to
a baby and when learning to know him and love him.
"Rooming-in" probably should not be a prerequisite. The mother
should, if offered the choice, arrange to care for the baby in the hospital.
Some hospitals provide "rooming-in" facilities. This simply means
that the mother may have her baby spend much or even most of his time in her
room. The more time the mother can spend with the baby, the better. It is
better for the mother and for the baby as well. The more handling, cuddling and
contact with the baby that the mother can have the better. It gives the mother
a sense of importance, confidence and security. Some hospitals allow the mother
to have the baby in her room 24 hours a day. Other hospitals permit the mother
to have the baby all day but not all night.
Of course, it is always best for the baby to be placed in the nursery during
visiting hours. Since the nursery is usually a glass-enclosed room, visitors
can see the baby but cannot transmit infections.
What I am saying is that the mother should be allowed to see the baby often
and for lengthy periods, and the mother should take advantage of every
opportunity. Mothers make a mistake when they take a vacation while they are in
the hospital and see the baby as little as possible. This is especially unwise
when it is the first child, for the mother needs all the confidence she can
gain while she is in the hospital.
3. The father should get to know the baby while at the hospital.
The more contact the father has with his baby during the hospital stay, the
easier it will be to become adjusted when the baby arrives home. The father
should hold the baby when he visits Mother and baby in the hospital. It is also
a good idea for him to learn to burp the baby. The baby should, while in the
hospital, get to know his father, and the father should get to know the baby.
Infants can feel unrest and insecurity, and if they are required to go from the
secure hands of the hospital nurse to the insecure hands of Mother and Father,
damage could follow. Hence, the father as well as the mother should learn as
much of the art of child rearing while at the hospital as possible.
4. If the hospital allows, the older child or
children at home should be allowed to
visit Mother and to see the baby while in the
hospital.
How sad it is to see a mother in a hospital bed looking out the window
waving at some children who are going through one of the most traumatic
experiences of their lives! Mother wants to be close to the older children, and
they are in desperate need to be close to Mother. The children have a
new brother or sister but are unable to see him. They are already jealous and
lonesome, and now they are unable to see Mother. Some hospitals wisely allow a
certain time when older brothers and sisters can visit Mother and take a glance
through the nursery window at baby brother or sister. This should not be a
requirement of the hospital chosen by the parents, but if it is allowed, it is
a delightful bonus.
5. Visitors should be as cheerful as possible when visiting the new mother.
They should refrain from giving Mother advice about how to care for the
baby. They should not cause any alarm about how the baby looks. They should be
very cheerful and optimistic. So often guests will try to persuade Mother not
to care for the baby herself when she arrives home. They will tell old wives'
tales, elaborate at length on folk medicine, and in general, try to educate the
new mother concerning what she ought to do.
If, however, these mistakes are made by visiting friends and relatives, the
new mother should smile sweetly, thank them for their advice, and after they
are gone, erase it from her mind.
Some of the advice given to new parents is absolutely absurd. I am amazed at
how many foolish bits of advice seemingly intelligent and often so-called
intellectual people give. For example, the mother is lying in bed with her new
baby, the baby's eyes are focused on Mother's face, and the mother says,
"Look, my baby is looking at me!" Some well-meaning but foolish
self-styled advisor says, "That isn't possible! Your baby can't see
yet!"
Now who said the baby can't see yet? Has any baby ever told us that he can't
see yet? This is absurd! I am convinced that a newborn can see and does look at
his mother's face. Not only is he eating from his mother's body, but he is
associating a loving face with that meal. How sweet this is! The sweetest
experience that he has learned in life is immediately associated with the
sweetest person he will ever know in life. Of course, he is looking at his
mother! Of this I am convinced.
Another well-meaning expert says, "Well, maybe he can see, but he can
only see light and dark or shapes and shadows," and the saddened mother
accepts this as fact that her baby cannot see her. This is foolishness. The
baby can and does see his mother.
Lying there with that little immortal soul dwelling in a cute precious body,
the mother turns to the father and says, "She's looking at me." Then
the baby looks toward the father and smiles. The father turns to the doctor or
some visitors and says, "Look, the baby is smiling at me." The
self-styled experts reply with a statement something like this:
"The baby isn't smiling; he has gas on his stomach."
Now I'm not a medical doctor, and I'm not a scientist, but I do know that
stomach gas doesn't make you smile. Gas doesn't make an adult smile; why should
it make an infant smile! The truth is, it doesn't! It may be that some child
will do both at the same time, but a smile is a smile, and I think that the
newborn is smiling-smiling because it is happy, content, and because
instinctively it knows that it is loved.
There are many other foolish statements that we make at the bedside. It is
wise for those of us who visit to limit our remarks to positive ones and not
those that will infringe upon the joy of happy people.
6. Mother should call home to talk to the other
children several times a day.
She should elaborate as to how much she misses them and how she longs to see
them. She should assure them that she is well and that though the baby is cute,
it will in no way take the place in her heart of those at home.
The mother could even send a little gift or telegram to the ones at home to
assure them. She should pray for them and spend some time consciously loving
them while she is in the hospital. She should miss them on purpose so that she
will of necessity be so happy to see them when she arrives home.
7. Mother and Dad must be especially loving to
each other during the hospital
days.
It is not at all difficult for a child to come between parents. This is
tragic. Bear in mind, a potential threat has arrived. The wise husband and wife
will give to each other even more attention than ever during these days of
adjustment. Special courtesies could be done. The mother, for example, could
turn the tables and send the dad a bouquet of flowers at home. She could wire
him a box of candy, or before she goes to the hospital, purchase a shirt and
tie or some other appropriate gift for him. Have it gift wrapped and hidden.
Then while in the hospital she can call him and tell him to look in a certain
place and get something for her. Here he will find a delightful surprise!
Mother could call Dad at work, or Dad can call Mother from work. This is so
important, for not only will this give assurance to each other, but it can also
prepare both of them for the immediate confusion that will arise when returning
home.
She should not forget them. A special phone call
to her dad would be in order. A nice letter written from the hospital bed to
her mother would be sweet. The new mother must learn to appreciate more her own
mother and to realize the suffering her mother endured bringing her into the
world. Then too the grandparents of the new baby are often overlooked. What a
nice gesture it would be for them to feel especially loved by a grateful
daughter!
Vows should be made. Supplication should be offered, and a sweeter
relationship with Christ should be enjoyed. Also, the mother could make a
schedule of things that she is going to do in training her baby to be all that
God wants him to be.
10. The hospital stay could be a time of reading the Word of God.
During the pregnancy, the mother could use a concordance to find all the
Scriptures in the Bible about rearing children. She could read these while in
the hospital. She should read at least once through the entire book of Proverbs
while in the hospital and vow to God that she is going to do what she can to
teach these truths to her child.
Find a book on how to rear children and take it
with you to the hospital. Have it packed in your suitcase before you go. (Also,
have the Bible packed.) This book on rearing children should be read carefully
while the mother is in the hospital.
The children should greet her. The moment Mother
gets in the car, she should assure the older child or children of her love and
of how much she has missed them and how proud of them she is.
This should not be too exciting or exhausting. Maybe a big sign could be
placed in the front yard. Perhaps a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a
"welcome home" note from each member of the family could be at the
bedside. Maybe a tape could be made by each child and the father so that Mother
can play the tape while resting after returning home and realize how much she
was missed and how much she is loved. Maybe Mother's favorite meal could be
ready for her. Perhaps gifts could be waiting for her upon her arrival.
Everything possible should be done by Dad and the older children to make Mother
feel welcome. Also, everything possible should be done by Mother to let the
rest of the family know that the new member of the home will never in any way
take the place in her heart of those that God previously has given to her.
Chapter Three: NOW YOU ARE AT HOME!
There are few days in the life of a family that can compare with the day
that baby comes home from the hospital, and yet often that day becomes a day of
disappointment because the new mother and father had so many wonderful plans.
They had planned to sit down and have a dedication service, but baby wasn't in
the mood to be reverent. They had planned to sit down and read the Bible
together, but baby wasn't very spiritual. Now they are home only to find that
it is not what they had thought it would be.
In the hospital Mother spent a lot of time getting organized. She had
planned exactly what she was going to do, and in her opinion, she was going to
be a tremendous success. Things, however, didn't quite work out that way.
Mother soon finds that having a baby at home requires a lot of altered plans
and flexibility. In fact, oftentimes it makes parents feel that perhaps it
wasn't worth it. Most of us just do not know what having a baby at home would
be like. Some might even think that if they had known what it was like, they
would not have wanted to have children at all. Sleep, peace, organization and
quiet are at a premium, and the sweet, precious plans that have been made for
nine months vanish with the colic.
If a couple will realize before the baby comes that it will be hectic for
awhile, everything will go better. Babies do wake up at night; many babies wake
up many times through the night; some babies wake up four, five, six times a
night. Maybe these suggestions will help:
Someone will say, "Well, the father has to
work, and because he has a job and the mother is at home where she can sleep
some, she should take care of the baby through the night." Someone else
will say, "The father should do it because the baby needs a mother who is
rested, not one who is haggered, tired and impatient." Now a happy
solution to this problem is to have the parents take shifts. One parent could
take from 9:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m.; and the other, from 3:00 a.m. to 9:00; or one
parent could take from
9:00 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. and the other, from 1:30
a.m. to 6:00 a.m. This insures each parent some sleep that is uninterrupted,
and perhaps during the rest of the night, he will get a little bit of sleep.
Protect your privacy! Of course, it will require
you to walk a longer distance to get to the baby, but it will give you time
alone together, and your privacy is protected. This is so important!
This is also not good for the older child. If Mom,
Dad and baby are together in one room and the older child is in another, this
causes the child to think that the baby is getting preferential treatment, and
he will feel like an outcast, exiled to his own room.
Let the baby have his own room, if possible. If,
for example, there is a three-bedroom house, Mom and Dad can have one bedroom;
the older child, another; and the baby, another. If there must be some doubling
up because of older children, let the older children sleep in the same room,
and let the baby have a room of his own. Older children like their privacy.
They feel it has been infringed upon if the baby moves into their room. This
concern causes him to be overly protective of his own toys, his own bed, and
his own private things. Have the older child or children sleep under the new
arrangements several weeks before the baby comes. The older child will not
associate his new sleeping arrangements with the baby's coming.
I would not suggest that the same crib be used for
each child. It could place in the mind of the older child the thought that
someone has taken his place. It might even be wise to put the crib of the older
child somewhere in a very special place leaving it empty so that he can see
that his crib is still his. If for any reason the older crib must be used, it
should be repainted or redecorated so that it will not look the same.
Visitors can rudely interrupt well made plans. A
good way to prevent this is for the new parents to predict the most likely
visitors and to call them upon returning home from the hospital, inviting them
to come at a certain time. The mother might call her closest friend and say,
"Mary, I'm home from the hospital, and I can't wait to see you. Could you
come by tomorrow afternoon about 2:00?" An appointment can be made, and
this will become a part of the schedule for the parents.
When a child comes, Mom and Dad will have to fight for such time. It may be
that they will seldom sit down to dinner together. Before the baby came, they
ate alone. Now it's hard to eat at all. Before the baby came, the meals were
prepared. After the baby comes, the husband often eats leftovers. The mother is
tired; the father needs attention. Before you know it, both will think the
other is being selfish. Bitterness can develop toward the innocent child who
has placed a wedge between them. If such resentment builds up, the husband and
wife should discuss it openly before it becomes serious. The truth is that
neither the husband or the wife knows how the other is going to react after the
baby comes. It is a stimulus that they have not faced. They must have privacy
with each other. It must be remembered that in a few years that baby's crib
will become a honeymoon suite and that an older and wiser couple will say,
"Goodbye," to their offspring. How important it is that they
cultivate their relationship and see to it that this newborn cements their
relationship and makes it deeper and sweeter!
Chapter Four: TEACHING CHARACTER
Someone has said that character is the subconscious doing of right. It is
when right and the doing of right becomes a reflex. This can happen only by
continued practice of doing right in response to certain stimuli. Basically, it
is the forming of proper habits. Naturally, the earlier these habits are formed
and the earlier the doing of right becomes a matter of reflex and enters into
the subconscious, the stronger will be the character of the adult. Hence,
proper habits should be started at birth.
Babies are people, and all people enjoy eating. We
learn very early in life that eating brings us pleasure and delight. This
pleasure is caused not only because eating brings relief from hunger, but also
because of the byproducts that eating brings. In the infant, for example,
eating will bring the joy of being close to Mother, the warmth of the mother's
breast, the feeling of being loved and cared for, and the joy of being held and
rocked. As the baby grows older, there are other extras he receives from
eating. Because of this, it is very important that proper eating habits are developed
so that the child can derive these pleasures from the eating of good,
nourishing food along with other proper eating habits.
The first development of proper eating habits is
the first nursing from his mother's breast. The baby will no doubt be hungry
and perhaps will be crying. Hence, the first nursing should be a happening. The
baby will at least by instinct enjoy such a feeding. Let him snuggle for
awhile; do not hurry him, and when he is ready he will begin to eat. Let him
hear soft words. Commune from your heart to his. Sing gently to him, and let
his first association with nourishing eating be that of many other
pleasantries. At each nursing that follows, make it a real happening for the
child. Then as he grows older, is weaned, and settles down to a child's diet,
continue making mealtime one of the most delightful of the day.
Remember, taste is cultivated. The reason that our
generation loves junk food instead of good, nourishing food is that we have
cultivated a taste for food that is less healthful. During infancy is the time
when children should be led to develop a spiritual appetite. A child can learn
to like nuts more than he likes junk snacks if his taste is so trained. He can
learn to like fruit more than he likes candy if he is trained properly. Good
vegetables can appeal to him as much or more than excessive starches if he is
led to develop the proper eating habits from infancy.
The child should also be trained to eat on
schedule. One of the great secrets of life is to live by schedule, and the
healthy person is one who eats by schedule. A good little slogan for the
feeding of an infant, and for that matter for the feeding of people at any age
would be, "Eat the proper food at the proper time in the proper
environment.
Sleep habits are developed just like eating habits
and should be established in early infancy. These habits, like eating habits,
will only be developed and maintained if pleasure is derived. Hence, the wise
parents will make the sleep time as pleasant as possible. Sleep habits, like
eating habits, should be on schedule. A very young baby will probably sleep
18-20 hours out of the 24. This need for sleep gradually diminishes until a
six-month-old baby is likely to sleep 14-15 hours of the 24. During the first year
of life, most babies require one long nap during the day and one short one. At
12-15 months of age the child usually gives up the short one and has one long
nap a day plus the night sleep. The number of hours a child sleeps or the
number of hours of sleep he requires is not as important as the fact that his
sleep is regularly scheduled. The child is learning in infancy to live by
discipline and by schedule. The child should go to bed the same time every
night, get up at the same time every morning and take his daily naps at the
same time, and the naps should be for the same length of time. Many mothers
could have avoided nervous problems in their own systems had they worked a
little harder at first in securing the baby's schedule.
Now, let us get back to the happening of sleep. A
child should learn to associate sleep with being comfortable, being at the
right temperature, being changed, being loved and being fed. If extra affection
and attention can be given at sleep time, then the sleep time can become one of
the highlights of the day for the child. He soon develops a positive
association with sleep. This is vital.
Several things should be avoided in making the
child's sleep habits desirable.
(1.) Do not let the baby get into the habit
of going to sleep with a bottle. Under such circumstances neither
eating or sleeping is as pleasant as it should be.
(2.) Do not let the baby sleep alone in the
house. In fact, an infant should not be left alone in the house at any
time, even if he is sound asleep.
Once the baby has gone to sleep, do not wake him
up. Oh, yes, friends will come in to see him; let them see him asleep. Do not
wake him up to show him off after he has gone to sleep.
After dark, do not take the baby out for too much
excitement. Taking him to the church nursery is certainly proper, but too much
noise and too many bright lights before bedtime will cause him to be restless.
By all means, do not give the baby any kind of
medicine to make him sleep unless it is done with doctor's orders.
There is so much in the subconscious and in the
instincts that it is very important not only to let a baby have a daily
schedule but also a weekly schedule. He can look forward to the nursery on
Sunday and on Wednesday night and to other pleasant activities that are regularly
scheduled each week.
Few of us as adults know our own bodies. Few of us
know how much sleep our bodies need. Much of this is due to the fact that from
infancy we have led undisciplined, unscheduled lives and among these
undisciplined activities are our sleeping habits.
Every young mother anticipates the day when her
baby can stay clean and dry. Because of this, many begin this training too
early. A baby is nearly a year old before his nervous system is developed
enough to warrant the beginning of toilet training. At this time, the child
usually is becoming aware when you praise him for doing well. It is then time
to begin serious toilet training. Subject to schedule and discipline, the child
should be put on the toilet at certain regular times. These times should be
when he wakes up in the morning, at the conclusion of each meal, before he
takes a nap, when he wakes from his nap, etc. If the mother will keep a record
for a week or two of the hours the baby is wet or has had a bowel movement, it
will help her in planning a schedule so as to anticipate his needs. Do not use
the scolding method. Do not be negative. Do not spank him. Rather, use the
praise incentive. Let him associate proper elimination with Mother's pleasure
and praise. Be patient with him, it will take time and understanding.
Keep the baby in diapers until he learns to walk,
and then replace them with pants. This will help him get the idea there is a
change in his elimination habits. By the way, do not leave the child wet. If he
has an accident, go ahead and change him. Do not scold him. When he does wait
until potty time, give him such praise that he will want to earn this praise
again.
Sucking is natural with a child. He began his life
by getting his food that way, and since he is a born explorer, he usually puts
an object to his mouth quickly after birth. Thumb sucking is a prevalent
problem for babies. It usually becomes intense somewhere around 6 months of
age. Occasionally the baby also finds that he can suck his fingers. Usually he
will overcome his habit if the parents do not make too much fuss over it. It is
never wise to punish for this. It is often wise to use a toy or other
attention-getters with which to divert the attention of the baby from his
sucking.
Thumb sucking becomes a problem usually while the
baby is being weaned. Since babies are born with a tremendous instinct to suck,
even apart from the instinct of hunger, it is often difficult to cure him
quickly from his sucking desire. Hence, when the cup takes the place of the
bottle or the breast, the most convenient thing for the baby to do is suck his
thumb.
A mother came to me and told me that her 3-year-old
son was still sucking his thumb. She told me she had done everything she could
do to stop him. I asked her what she had tried. She said she had tried to make
the boy ashamed. She had made such statements as, "I'm ashamed of you, and
your daddy is ashamed of you." She then told me she had ridiculed him,
calling him a "little bitty baby." Then she tried the tactic of the
fear of father: "I'm going to tell your daddy when he comes home! What
will he think?" Then she had tried spanking the thumb after she had worked
it out of his mouth. At night she had tied his thumbs in mittens. There are other
things she had tried which she included in her statement of, "I have tried
everything!" I reminded her that thumb sucking itself was not nearly as
dangerous as the improper handling of the situation by the parents and that the
most dangerous thing about the child's thumb sucking was the action that it had
prompted the parents to take.
Then the mother told me of the fears she had
concerning her son's thumb sucking. She was afraid of a permanent injury to the
thumb. She was afraid that it would spoil the shape of his teeth and his jaw.
She was afraid that it would cause the child to be withdrawn and introverted
and, of course, she was afraid that it would go on and on and on into his
school days. Now in rare cases, such damage is possible, but in more cases, the
damage is done by the parents' overreaction.
The matter that should occupy our time is that of
learning WHY the child sucks his thumb. There are many reasons. The thumb
becomes a comfort to the child. He turns to thumb sucking when he wants
comforting or when he feels he is not loved enough or safe enough or not good
enough. The thumb comforts and assures him. The wise parent will realize this
and will give the child sufficient comfort, assurance, self-confidence,
self-esteem, etc. Again, the positive approach is the best one.
When you see the child not sucking his thumb, brag
on him, make him feel like he has done something great. Reward him for it with
the feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. What the child has been doing
subconsciously is telling you that he is not completely satisfied with
everything about life. There is something missing which he needs. Asking,
pleading and scolding will not solve his problem, for it is not his problem.
Putting pressure on it only adds to his need and to the frame of mind which
caused the thumb sucking in the first place. Hence, the parents' efforts
prolong the habit.
Some feel that if a child is allowed to suck his
thumb all he chooses, he will relinquish his thumb sucking sooner than if he is
urged to stop it. Let the parent be comforted in the fact that most children
give up their thumb sucking shortly after they enroll in school. When they come
in contact with other children, pride develops and the child is embarrassed to
have his peers see him with such an infantile habit. The wise parent will not
try to stop the thumb sucking but will rather try to stop the causes for the
thumb sucking. Remember that alarm and force will lengthen rather than abbreviate
the longevity of this habit. Do not punish. Do not remind him constantly. Do
not threaten him that he will injure his fingers or buck his teeth. Do not
remind him that if he loves you, he would stop sucking his thumb. Do not use
such phrases as, "You are a big boy now!" "Aren't you ashamed of
yourself!" "You are such a baby!" Do not wrap his hands or use
mittens. Do not use elbow splints or anything to keep his arm from bending. Do
not use sleeping garments which hold his arms down. Do not put bitter, disagreeable,
distasteful substances on his fingers. Let him know that you love him so much
and are so proud of him that he will have so much assurance and security that
he will not need his thumb. Have him trade the comfort of his thumb for the
comfort of a secure relationship with Mom and Dad. By all means, do not panic.
There are some things that can be done. Let the
child suck longer when he eats. Let him nurse as long as he wishes. If he is
bottle fed, get another nipple with a smaller hole so that it will take him
longer to drink his milk. As he grows older, don't let him get bored. Be sure
he has enough toys, enough things to stimulate his mind and to attract his
attention. Also notice when he sucks. Does he suck when he is lonely? Does he
suck when he is frightened? Does he suck when he feels deserted? Once you have
found the cause, then you can satisfy his need and over a period of time
eliminate the thumb sucking altogether.
As he gets older, see if you think he gets too much
or too little attention, has too many or too few companions, is mothered too
much or too little, gets more or less attention than the other children. Take
an intelligent survey and set up a diligent plan to eliminate excesses and fill
voids.
By the time the average child reaches the age of 2, he can stay dry during
the daytime. However, it is usually a year or more before he can stay dry while
asleep. The average child is able to stay dry during the nighttime by the time
he is 3, but not all children are average. Approximately 25% of all children
wet the bed after the age of 7. It is thought by some that boys have some more
difficulty in bed wetting than girls. It is comforting to know that usually
this problem is hereditary and that the parent of such a child had the same
problem when he was a child.
Because the problem is such a messy one, parents become excessively alarmed
and overreact in an effort to execute its cure. It may be true that early
training in an effort to correct bedwetting may actually be the cause of bed
wetting later on. Take it easy; don't rush; a few extra months of diaper
washing when a child is one or two may save months of panty and sheet washing
two or three years later. Accept the fact that children differ in this as they
do in other things. Some achieve success many months before others. Keep in
mind the following things when wetting is a problem.
If you will follow these suggestions, you are not going to make the child
dry right away, but you will make him happier, you will make him more relaxed,
you will make him more of an extrovert, and you will give him more security. A
secure, confident, happy child will achieve dryness much earlier than one who
is made tense and high-strung by overly anxious parents.
If the child who has become dry has an accident, treat it casually. Do not
scold. Follow the advice given concerning thumb sucking. Do not be as concerned
about the act itself as by the cause of the act. Correct the causes; fill the
voids; stop the excesses; give security, love and praise, and unless there is a
medical reason (and there usually is not) the problem will be solved in due
time. By all means, be patient. The child is like you. His troubles pile up on
him. Too much is expected from him and he becomes frustrated. This is when
things fall apart. Bear in mind that his problems are as serious to him as
yours are to you. Calm, rational, tender treatment will win out in the long
run.
A number of things could cause his insecurities. Something in his life could
be troubling him, making him tense and anxious. Perhaps he is not on schedule
in other activities of his life. Maybe his parents create tension in the home.
Maybe the child lacks self-confidence. Maybe he has an inferiority complex
because of older brothers and sisters. Maybe he does not feel approved. Maybe
he does not feel he excels in any area.
Of course, there are a few things that can be done. Some parents take the
child to the bathroom when they retire. This often enables the child to go
through the night dry. The best thing to do is take it in stride, not make an
issue of it, and soon the problem will solve itself.
Children have many nervous habits. Many of these
are typical such as blinking the eyes, picking the nose and, the most common of
all, fingernail biting. It must be understood that children are perpetual
motion. Freedom of movement is necessary part of their development. To tell a
child to sit still is asking for a miracle. Hence, if a child is forced to be
still for a long period of time and if he is asked to keep from talking, he
becomes fidgety. Habits like nail biting soon develop. If you will notice carefully,
nail biting usually occurs when the child is repressed or is unduly excited or
unhappy. There are several sets of circumstances that usually increase nail
biting. Anything that causes the child inner tension such as fear or worry make
conditions right for the habit. A nervous mother, an anxious parent, or
quarreling in the home can upset a child and lead him to nail biting. If too
much is expected of him, he may turn to his fingernails. The wise parent should
watch the child to see when he bites his nails and then seek a trend. Parents
will notice there are certain things, times or experiences that prompt the
biting of the nails. After such a study has been made, the parent can eliminate
the conditions that warrant the nail biting.
There are several things that can be done after the
cause of the strain has been eliminated. The child can be given something to do
with his hands that will keep him busy. The child's nails should be kept in
good condition. They should be short and smooth with no hang nails, which will
help remove the temptation to bite them. It is not a good idea to put bitter
tasting substances on the nails. However, sometimes some clear nail polish on a
little girl's nails will give her pride in them and often eliminate the nail
biting.
The biting of the nails is another one of those
nervous habits which are likely to develop when a child is not serene and
happy, whose routine is not planned and who is put under strain, giving him too
much with which to cope. Sometimes having to play with older children can
stimulate nail biting.
Living in an unhappy home where there is fussing
can have the same result. If a child is not allowed to play outdoors enough, it
can drive him to this habit. One thing that must be remembered is that children
are often too overprotected, over-mothered and over-managed. Once again,
assurance, love and security can go a long way toward correcting the biting of
the nails. Do not resort to scolding and threats. Do not make constant mention
of the biting; that will only make it worse. Nail biting, like bedwetting and
thumb sucking, is best corrected by a quiet study of the conditions surrounding
the habit and then eliminating them. Once again, the wise parent should not
make a big issue over it, for big issues are causes, not cures.
Try bragging on the child when he does well. Tell
him how pretty his fingernails are when he does not bite them, but even then, a
calm type of complimenting should be carried out. Do not panic. Set out to
provide a serene, assuring, securing atmosphere by eliminating boredom, tense
or overly emotional radio and television programs, insecurities, etc.
You will find excellent cooperation in a normal
baby. However, when the baby is becoming a child and is walking and talking,
probably in the late part of his second year or the early part of his third
year, some changes take place. He suddenly has a tremendous desire to assert
himself and to be heard! This assertion may show itself in temper tantrums.
What is happening is that the child is becoming a human being. He is walking
and talking now, and he suddenly has a desire to make some of his own
decisions. He expresses this desire with temper tantrums. He decides that he is
restricted too much. He may decide not to dress when you want to dress him or
he may choose not to give up some object that you want him to surrender to you.
He may decide he doesn't want to eat, and if he does eat, he doesn't want to
eat what you want him to eat. He wants to do things by himself. Now there are
several things that can be done.
(1.) The parent must set a good example by
having an even disposition. You yourself must not have a "short
fuse." If the child sees you losing your temper, he will soon decide that
is the way to express one's self when he is not pleased. On the other hand, if
the child sees the parent manifesting behavior that is calm and quiet, he is
more likely to perform in the same manner. Avoid having a nervous, loud
environment, for the child will eventually pattern his behavior after that of
his parents and his home atmosphere. If you do not control your temper, he will
not control his. If you are loud and angry when you do not have your way, he
will be loud and angry when he does not have his way.
(2.) Do not let your child's temper tantrums
cause you to lose your temper. Never reward his tantrums. If a child
cries to get something, never give it to him. Let him know that the way to get
what he wants is by behaving properly, not be exposing his temper. Never,
never, never reward him for his temper tantrum. Many parents become so
exasperated by the child's behavior they attempt to bribe him to be good by
giving him what he wants or what he would enjoy. This is a tragic mistake.
Reward goodness, not badness. Reward a pleasant personality and disposition,
not an unpleasant one.
(3.) Build such a close relationship
with the child that the breaking of fellowship with the parents will be the
worst punishment possible. The worst thing about a punishment and the
worst punishment should be the fact that fellowship is broken between the child
and parent. When there is a relationship that is sweet and enjoyed by both, the
child does not want to have that relationship broken. Hence, the parent can
simply ignore the child when he is having a temper tantrum (that is, if the
tantrum is not caused by some health problem or severe discomfort). Make the
child realize that fellowship with the parent is good when he is quiet and bad
when he is throwing a temper tantrum. It is often good to let the child cry it
out. In the case of a baby, the parent should see if the diaper is dry. He
should be sure no pins are sticking the child's body. He should convince
himself that the child is not crying excessively because he is ill. He should
be sure the child is not crying because he is hungry or covered too tightly. He
should be sure the child is not crying because of a stomach ache. Once he is
convinced these things are all in order, he should then let the child cry.
Simply close the door to his room, go in the other room and be about your
responsibilities. When he does stop his crying and is quiet for a few minutes,
go to his room and brag on him for being quiet. Let him realize that the
fellowship is restored when he does not cry and that it is broken when he does
cry. Do not let him think the way to get picked up and be babied is to scream.
It is better to prevent the temper tantrums than to cure them.
It is wise, as has been stated previously, for a
child to live by schedule, thereby developing lifetime habits. It will help his
disposition tremendously if he is getting enough sleep and sleeping on
schedule, if he is having his meals on time and is living a scheduled,
disciplined life. Sometimes the parent spends too much time with the child.
This time should also be scheduled time. A child should learn to be alone. He
should learn to enjoy being alone. It will give him security and assurance for
the rest of his life. Suppose, for example, that he wakes up around 7:00 in the
morning. His mother gives him some words of assurance, a hug and a kiss, feeds
him, bathes him, changes his clothes and puts him back to bed. He should be
taught to spend some time alone then. Perhaps at mid-morning the mother could
come in at a scheduled time, take the child up and spend 30 minutes playing
with him and loving him. The child could then be put back to bed to spend some
more time alone. Soon comes lunch time. After lunch the child can be changed
and put to bed for his afternoon nap.
After his nap Mother can take 30 minutes more and
play with him and love him. Then he should be put back to bed or in his playpen
or in his room if there is an accordion door to keep him from escaping, where
he can spend some more time alone before Daddy comes home. This means that
Mother has not only spent some time bathing and feeding him, but she has spent
30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the afternoon playing with him and
loving him. It is my feeling that many children go bad because their parents
spend too much time with them. It is not how much time a parent spends but what
kind of time he spends. A child needs to feel the security of genuine love and
interest from his parents and the security of the enjoyment of being alone.
Both are important.
Many parents spend much time with all their
children and little or no time alone with each child. I think it is best for
there to be a scheduled time for each child. The child thereby gets to know his
parent on personal basis. He doesn’t feel like one of a group but one that is
very special. This not only enables the child to know the parent better but it
enables the parent to know each child as an individual. This does not have to
be a lot of time. When our children were small I would take them on dates. For
example, I would take one of the girls up to the shopping center. Then I would
purchase for her whatever her need was at the time-a dress, a pair of shoes or
some underclothing. Sometimes I would even buy her a little toy. Then we would
go to the park to swing. An hour is a long time to a child. It does not seem
very long to an adult, but when a parent spends an hour alone with a child, it
seems to him a very long time. This planned fellowship should start in infancy.
A planned time when the child is alone should also
start in infancy. He should get to know himself. When our children were small,
I would go outside and the child and I would sit on a quilt in the front yard
together. I would then, after awhile, tiptoe into the house and watch him
through the window. I would let him play alone for awhile. This would help
teach him not to be afraid of being alone. He also needs to learn not to be
afraid of the dark. Both are lessons a child needs to learn early in life.
It is usually best not to spank the child for
throwing a temper tantrum. Brief isolation would be better. Especially is this
a tremendous form of' punishment when the child is close to his parent. A
spanking would be more in order if there is direct disobedience. I am not
saying that spanking is wrong. Quite to the contrary, spanking is right, and we
are admonished in the Scriptures to do so, but during these early days of life,
a child is using a temper tantrum to get what he wants. He wants Mom to pick
him up; he wants attention. If he learns that he does not get the attention by
crying and exposing his temper, he will soon try other methods. It is the
parent's responsibility to let him know what methods will work. When he finds
that goodness will work, he will then use goodness to get his desired result.
However, if the parents' actions let him know that being bad will work, he will
then be bad for the rest of his life to get what he wants.
A generation ago noted child psychologists who knew
little about psychology and less about children advanced the theory that the
child should not have his progress retarded. "Give him what he
wants," they said. "He is only trying to express himself." We
gave these children what they wanted because we did not want to impede their
progress. That generation is now grown up. They are still getting what they
want! They are rioting, demonstrating, burning buildings, destroying property,
infringing on the safety of society, and in general, are ruining the greatest
country on the face of the earth! They were taught to get what they wanted by
bad behavior. We gave it to them then and we are giving it to them now, and the
greatest nation on the face of the earth is crumbling before our eyes. If a
nation's character is salvaged, we will have to begin where its deterioration
began-in the crib. It was in the crib where this generation of lawlessness was
spawned. It will be in the crib where another generation of law and order is
conceived. Through all of this a child MUST learn to respect his parents. This
respect will be caused by a parent being firm but calm, manifesting the spirit
of Christ in gentleness yet firmness. A parent who responds by jerking a child
or throwing a temper tantrum of his own is joining the child in his crime and
mixing wrong with wrong.
(4.) Brag on the child when he is good.
I remember my mother saying to a neighbor while I was in another room (she made
a special point to say it loudly enough so I could hear her), "My Jack is
a good boy! I know some boys who are bad boys who scream and cry, but my son is
a good boy. I'm so proud of him!" I would hear her from the other room,
and my hat size would double as I would hear my mother brag on me to a
neighbor. She was setting for me a reputation that I wanted to fulfill. When I
did enter the room, I would be the picture of goodness, a model son, for I was
trying to live up to my reputation and prove to the neighbor lady that my
mother was right. Sometimes my mother would set me on her knee and tell me,
"Son, I was in another home the other day, and they had a boy about your
age. He was so rowdy and loud we could hardly talk. I am so proud of you
because you are such a fine fellow. You are never rowdy and you never
interrupt. You never embarrass me when we have company. I'm sure glad that
little boy isn't my little boy; I'm glad you are my little boy because you are
not like him." Once again she was setting for me an ideal and a reputation
that I wanted to uphold. This tactic certainly is far better than a slap across
the face or the jerk of the arm or the screaming voice.
Since speech is the means humans use to communicate one with another,
anything that interferes with this type of communication becomes a real
handicap. Most speech defects can be cured in the home by the loving help of
wise parents. Children begin to use words during their second year. Much care
should be taken to help the child speak properly. If a child should go into his
third year or even very far beyond his second birthday without developing
normal speech, the parents should examine the following possibilities. The
child may not need to talk to get what he wants. Perhaps he can grunt and the
parent knows what he wants. Perhaps he can simply make a gesture to receive his
desires. The parent should in such cases require the child to speak before he
gets what he wants. In other words, the parent should see to it that the child
needs to talk. Mother and Dad should lead him to make his wants known by the
communication of speech.
Some parents give too much attention to the child's words and speaking. In
some cases they even show off the child for visitors, and he may be asked to
repeat the same words over and over again. This often leads the child to become
embarrassed and in many cases it slows up his speech progress. When this is
true, the wise parents will leave the child alone and try not to show him off
to guests. When a child does speak, the parent should show definite interest,
but not undue excitement.
Sometimes the parents do not talk enough. Many children do not talk because
they do not hear enough talking. Read to the child. Talk to him. Let him hear
you talk. This will stimulate the child to join you in conversation. The child
of a non-talkative parent will usually talk later than children whose parents
communicate often with them and read to them.
Sometimes a child may talk for awhile and then slow down his talking. This
may be because he has other interests. Perhaps he has found some other avenue
of development that temporarily intrigues him more. Maybe he is learning to do
something else for the first time, and talking is not new to him any more. In
such cases, do not be alarmed; simply keep talking, singing and reading to the
child. Keep on loving him. He will return to his vocabulary after he has
mastered the thing that is occupying his mind.
An undisciplined life can cause the child to talk later than normal. So many
things depend on schedule. The child that gets up on time, eats on time, sleeps
on time, is bathed on time, is dressed on time, is loved on time, etc. will be
in general more normal and more healthy. He will come nearer talking on time.
Some children talk late because of strife in the home. If a child hears
fussing and screaming, he will not be interested in developing the art of
speaking because the spoken word will become distasteful to him. If, however,
kind words are spoken, and if speech is an expression of love, kindness and
gentleness, the child will be impressed by its use and will usually want to
talk earlier. Of course, there is always the possibility of some illness which makes
it difficult for the child to talk. If he is nearing his third birthday and
still is not talking much, his hearing should be tested. He should be given a
thorough check-up and maybe be taken to a neurologist. Of course, sometimes the
child has a speech impairment due to a harelip or a cleft palate. In this case
he should be taken to a speech therapist for special training.
There are three times in life when stuttering is a temptation: (1) When a
child is around 2½ years old and is just beginning to talk freely, (2) When he
enters school, and (3) When he becomes an adolescent. These are times of big
adjustments and because of this, stuttering may develop. Speech difficulty is
caused by emotional strain and frustration. When a child is 2 or 3 years of age,
he is so desirous to make himself understood. He is just beginning to talk
freely and does not have a large enough vocabulary to express his thoughts. He
is not able to put into words what he wants to ask or tell. Because of this
bother he sometimes stutters. It is a good idea not to have him in close
contact with an adult or teenager who stutters. At least such a person should
not be a constant companion to the child.
Do not correct or scold the child for stuttering. Repeat or talk more
slowly. Do not fuss at him. If he appears to be looking for a word, fill in the
extra word for him. Listen to him carefully and patiently. Do not make him feel
that he must hurry when he tries to express himself. The stuttering child feels
he will not have time to give his expression. Do not tell him he has plenty of
time; simply show him by being patient. Rearrange his schedule; keep tension
from his life. Lessen the rush-rush atmosphere of the home.
Sometimes the stuttering will take place after he has been playing with several
children and has become too excited. If this is the case, let him play with one
or two children at a time. In other words, take away from him temptations to
nervousness and frustration. Act like nothing is wrong. Take him as he is.
Don't lead him to think you wish he would hurry up and say what he is trying to
say. Like bedwetting, thumb sucking, nail biting and other nervous expressions,
stuttering is usually caused by a home situation that is too tense, too
hurried, or where there is too much strife. Its cure comes by eliminating these
causes. The parent should not expect miracles. It may take some time. Do not
panic. Be calm, loving, patient and understanding. In almost every case in due
time victory will come. If the stuttering is not cured when the child is
nearing four or five, professional help should be sought.
If a child is left-handed, let him be left-handed. It has been thought by
many that there is a connection between left-handedness and stuttering. There
are those who believe that when the left-handed child is encouraged to use his
right hand, this causes stuttering. This is probably not necessarily true.
Rather, the type of parent who would be embarrassed to have a left-handed child
and who would attempt to coerse him to use his right hand might be the type of
parent who would cause stuttering anyway and to whom a child would usually
speak with caution and tension. It would be far better for the parent, with
patience, to lead the child to become efficient with his left hand rather than
causing him to become nervous by being a less-than-average right-hander.
There are other speech problems besides delayed speech and stuttering. There
is the problem of omission of a sound in words. For example, a child may say
"pease" for "please," which means he is omitting a certain
sound. Then sometimes the child will have an enunciation problem. There is also
the problem of careless and inaccurate sounds such as misuse of the letter
"5." Sometimes the child will even add unnecessary sounds. Regardless
of the problem, unless it is a physical one, the parent should first attempt to
have a quiet, peaceful setting in the home. He should be the type of person to
whom the child likes to speak. He should not expect the child to act like an
adult or speak like an adult. He should avoid undue excitement, hurry and
pressure. He should not expect the child to recite too much, and he should not
show off the child. In other words, just a normal, kind, peaceful atmosphere in
the home and a sweet relaxed atmosphere with the child is the best treatment.
Add to this, proper pronunciation by the parents, and you will usually find the
answer. This, of course, is the best cure and should be tried at length before
consulting professional help.
Chapter Five: SPEND SOME TIME AWAY FROM YOUR BABY!
You must realize that you can't spend every minute of the day with your
baby. Time should be carefully planned where the mother can be away from the
baby some. This time should not be for long periods, or the child may begin to
fail to respond to the parents. The baby will sense if you like to be with him
or not, and he will detach himself from you if you are not careful. In the
first year or so of life, even short periods of separation can cause the baby
to react negatively and even to ignore the parents after they have been away
for two or three days. It is also possible for the child to become attached to
the person who cares for the baby and to turn to him for his security and
comfort. Because of this, the time away from the baby should be brief and
planned as follows:
Choose baby sitters who like children and enjoy
playing with them and who express warmth while they care for your child. Do not
choose a baby sitter who is more concerned about neatness than warmth and love.
Choose babysitters who will carry out your wishes and instructions to the
letter.
Have her there long enough before you leave so the
baby will become familiar with the babysitter. I would suggest that the
babysitter should arrive at least a half an hour early. This should be done
regardless of the age of the child. The babysitter should come while the child
is awake. It is quite a shocking experience for a child to wake up and find a
stranger with him. Be sure that the child is awake and that the babysitter
spends some time with the child gaining his confidence before you leave.
Otherwise, the child may begin to associate sleep with your leaving. This may
cause the child to be reluctant to go to sleep for fear you will riot be there
when he awakens. It is best that your child know that you are leaving and that
he be aware of it even if he cries.
Children do not like strangers. They should not
have to associate the arrival of a stranger with Mother's departure. Serious
emotional difficulties can arise.
I would suggest that the parents use a babysitter
at least once a week. This would be for going to a restaurant to eat or having
some recreational time together. This could be for an evening out or an
afternoon and evening out. I would also suggest that at least once every two
months the parents take an overnight outing. Perhaps they could go to a motel
for the night and then spend the day shopping or participating in some type of
recreation. I would not suggest that parents take long vacations away from
their infant child. Several brief absences a year would be much better than one
lengthy one.
The good Christian mother will want to go soul
winning every week as soon as she is strong enough. She will want to
participate in church activities such as missionary societies, class meetings,
etc. She will be a better mother if she spends time fulfilling her Christian
responsibilities outside the home. Go ahead, Mother, and teach the Sunday
school class. Go ahead and work with the young people. Do not spend your entire
life or even a majority of your life doing it, but you do need outside
interests.
Use the church nursery. New mother, as soon as you
are able to go to church, you should return to the services. You can have some
time apart from the baby while you are in the services and the baby is being
cared for in the church nursery. Now the nursery may not be as nice as you wish
it were, but God is able to care for your baby. I would rather see the baby in
a nursery that is not quite the picture of cleanliness than for mother not to
receive the spiritual food that she needs. Do not take the child to the
services! Babies can disrupt the services and prevent people from coming to
Christ. A little baby can also keep the mother from getting what she needs from
the services. You need your spiritual food. You need edification that comes
from the preaching of the Word of God. Put your baby in the nursery. Trust him
to the Lord, and you go to church.
There are cases, of course, when Mother must be
away at a secular job. If possible, the mother should cut down on her working
hours during the first two years of the child's life. If this is not possible,
the mother should try to come home for lunch. I would suggest that the mother
try not to be away from the child for more than four hours at a time. If the
mother cannot come home during the day, perhaps the father could come home
during the day and spend some time with the child.
Now I am not advocating mothers working. I am
saying that when mothers have to work they should make every possible effort to
be with the child as much as possible. The wise employer should make it
possible for parents of children under the age of two to organize their
schedule and consider the needs of the children. Maybe our friends south of the
border have the best idea after all with their siestas. In summary, the best
thing is for the mother not to work. The next best thing is for her to cut down
on her work and just work part-time. If that is not possible, then she should
be able to come home sometime during the day. If this is not possible, she
should have a babysitter who is like a second mother who will love the child
and give it motherly care.
The child should not ever sense the fact that he has come between Mother and
Father. Regular times should be set when Mother and Dad are together alone for
pleasure, recreation, conversation and romance. Psychologists who say that
Mother and Dad should make love in front of the children, or for that matter
even expose their bodies in front of the children, either do not know the Word
of God or they do not care about its truths. They use the argument that
children should become familiar with the human body, the differences between
males and females, and the changes that occur as a person matures. They
encourage that the parents let the children see their private parts and that
they appear nude in front of the children. This is not only foolishness, but it
is not Biblical! The father represents God in the home and should be treated with
respect by the child. This respect is broken down when the parents, sincere
though they may be, heed the wicked counsel of people who know little or care
little about the Word of God and advise them to let their children see them in
the nude. This was one of the sins that Ham committed that drew God's
displeasure. Parents appearing nude in front of their children always draws
God's displeasure. These so-called child-rearing experts say that extreme
parental modesty leads a child to develop a desire to see naked people and that
this is the way "peeping toms" are born. Nothing could be further
from the truth! This is a part of the modern sex education trend.
The baby is here. Your lives are changed tremendously, but you must not
completely consume your time with the baby. You must be away some and have
other interests and other activities. Though these times of absence should be
brief, at least as brief as possible, they nevertheless should be a part of
your schedule. You will always return to your baby more refreshed and more able
to care for him properly and to express your love more beautifully.
Chapter Six: DISCIPLINING AN INFANT
The last chapter in this book covers the general subject of the discipline
and punishment of children; hence, we will deal in this brief chapter only with
the unique way to discipline infants. Disciplining infants is extremely
difficult, but it must be done. Discipline teaches that there are limits in
life and that within those limitations life can be beautiful. It must teach,
however, that living outside those limitations is painful. Because of this, the
parent must see to it that pain of some kind is inflicted when wrong is
done-pain of loneliness, pain of being hurt because you disappointed someone
you love. It may be physical pain, but the child must be taught that doing
wrong hurts in some way and that the hurt that wrong brings is far greater than
the enjoyment it gives. Proper discipline teaches a child to learn to accept
these limitations. It must be understood that a child is going to test a parent
concerning his discipline. Because of this, the parents must be consistent. The
punishment for a certain crime must be consistent. Some rules to follow are:
The child then can associate certain types of pain
to certain types of deeds. He can remember that pain that follows each deed. In
other words, there is a predictability and steadiness in the punishment of a
child.
If the child knows or feels that there are times
when he can get by with committing the crime, and if there is at least a
possibility of his escaping the punishment, he may well choose to run the risk.
However, if he comes to the conclusion that punishment is always given, he will
come nearer deciding against the doing of the wrong deed.
If a child gets the idea that he has freedom of
expression that will not be repressed at all, he is being given a false
impression of what society will expect of him later. The parent should, by his
discipline and punishment of the child, teach him what to expect in years to
come. Parents must prepare him to be a law-abiding citizen. The child must be
taught the boundaries of the law and the penalty received by living outside those
boundaries.
Spanking should begin by the time the child is able
to walk. I'm not talking about beatings, slappings, etc. I am talking about
firm, but gentle and loving spankings. There are things, for example, that will
endanger a child's life, such as crawling too close to the window or playing
with the electrical plug. It would be far better for a child to receive the
pain of a spanking than the pain of serious injury or death by being
electrocuted or falling from the window.
The infant will probably repeat his actions several times. In order to
establish for sure that you are responsible, always be the same. Be sure that
your response is the same so that the infant will see apredictability about it.
When our children first learned to walk, I took them on a tour of the house.
I pointed to certain objects and said, "No, no, no, no, no!" Again I
pointed to the objects and said, "No, no, no, no, no!" I did this
until the children associated the object with "No!" When I felt that
they had associated the word "no" with objects they should not touch
and things they should not do, I then proceeded to let them know that pain was
associated with disobedience. I did not take a stick and hit the child; neither
did I beat him with my fist, but lovingly and gently and tearfully I used the
place that God has provided for spankings, and I gave him a spanking with
whatever intensity I felt the crime demanded. The intensity should not be
determined by the anger of the parents or the discomfort that the crime caused
them. It should be commensurate with the crime. The parent should remember that
the most important thing is to develop a close relationship with the child. I
recall when my mother used to give me long talks. I would rather have had a
spanking any day because the worst thing about the punishment was that Mother
was displeased and that our fellowship was broken. When the parent and child
have a sweet, close, intimate relationship, it enables the punishment of a breech
of fellowship to be the worst punishment of all. This does not mean that the
child should never be spanked. It means that even in spanking the child knows
that Mother or Father is displeased.
Chapter Seven: TEACHING THE CHILD ABOUT GOD
Once a little child drew a picture. One of his parents asked him who it was
he had drawn. The child replied, "That's a picture of God." The
parent said, "Why, honey, no one knows what God looks like,"
whereupon the child replied, "They do now."
Faith comes natural to a child. The best time of his life to teach him about
God is in his early days. Our Catholic friends have said for years that if they
can have a child until he is seven years old, they have him for life. This is
probably right. Someone has called these years the seven vulnerable years. How
foolish it is for parents who have faith in God to use such philosophies as
"Let the child decide for himself," "We don't want to push
religion on the child," etc. During this brief period of childhood,
youngsters are especially vulnerable to religious training.
Somewhere I read that a little baby goose has an unusual characteristic
along this line. It is said that the first thing he sees moving near him after
he is hatched, he will follow. Of course, if the mother goose is this first
object, he follows her. If for any reason she leaves him, he will follow any
other object. In other words, there is a time in his early life when he will
attach himself to anything that moves which is near him. This is true with a
child. Because of this we shoul4 seize upon the opportunities to train the
child from birth.
There are several things that must be done.
Once a little child asked, "Mother, what does
the world stand on?" The mother stuttered timidly and replied, "The
world stands. . er. . ..... on the shoulders of a big strong man."
The child waited a moment and said, "Mother,
what does the man sit on?" The confused mother stuttered a while longer
and said, "Well, honey, the man stands on . . . er
ah. . . ah. . . on a big rock. That's right, a big
rock!"
The child replied after a few moments,
"Mother, what does the rock stand on?" The bewildered mother
hesitated for a moment and said, "Sweetheart, the . . . er . . the rock
...
er. . .ah . . the rock. . .ah. . .sits on a big
pole."
The child then asked, "Mother, what does the
pole stand on?" An angry mother said, "Oh, the pole just reaches all
the way down to the bottom!"
This is often the extent of training about God
given to a little child. We teach him to bathe, to brush his teeth, to eat, to
sleep, to develop good habits, and yet we fail to teach him about the most
important thing in his life-an individual's relationship with God.
This is why it is important to pray with the child
when he is still an infant. He should have impressions made quickly concerning
Mom and Dad having their head bowed. Early impressions should include his
parents holding a black book, going to church regularly, singing from a hymn
book, etc. As soon as possible he should be taught to fold his hands and bow
his head in prayer and though these things are no more religious to him as far
as his consciousness is concerned than any other gesture, he will soon
associate them with regular habits, and these habits will lead him one day to
know their meaning. These impressions will linger with him.
The infant should have pleasant thoughts about
these impressions. He should be comfortable during them and learn to associate
pleasantness with their performance. His first impressions of the church
nursery should be associated with pleasantness and comfort. (This is why it is
so important to have a cheerful, clean, comfortable church nursery.)
Children are great to emulate other people. They
make heroes and want to be like them. This is why parents should expose little
children to the best patterns possible and should from childhood point them to
adults whom they can emulate as their heroes.
Children should be taught that God has given to
them a preacher. That preacher is God's man to lead them, to teach them, to
preach to them, and to guide and instruct them concerning their lives. It is
important for a family to have a man of God just like it is important to have a
family doctor, a family dentist, etc. For that matter, it is even more
important! The parents should never criticize God's man but should train their
children to love and respect him.
This can be done in many ways. One of the most
important ways is to lead the child to pray for the preacher many times a day.
Every time he bows his head to say grace or to say his "Now I lay me"
prayers, he should pray for his preacher. He should get an early impression
that one of the most important persons in the world is God's man, his pastor.
The nursery workers at First Baptist Church have
little bibs made for the babies. On each bib is printed, "I love my
Preacher." This is very important.
The child should feel that he has a friend in the
pulpit and that that friend loves him and is very wise. The time will probably
come when the parents will need the pastor in the rearing of the child. It
often is true that a time comes when the only hope of saving the child is the
pastor. If the parents have been critical of him or have a negative attitude
toward him, the children will develop such an attitude and will not come to the
pastor when they need him in a period of crisis.
When I was an infant my mother started a little
ritual. Every night she would put me on her knee, hold her Bible in front of me
and say, "Son, the Bible is the Word of God." Then she would ask me
to repeat after her those words. Three times she would do this. Then she would
tell me that Jesus is the Son of God. I would have to repeat it after her.
Again she would say it and again I would repeat it. A third time she would say
it and a third time I would repeat it. She then told me that I should always
believe those two great truths. Now I do not recall when she started it; I do
know she started this practice long before I could comprehend what was going
on, but as far back as I can remember I can see my mother teaching me that
Jesus is God's Son and that the Bible is God's Word.
She would then mention some kind of sin and warn me
concerning its evil. One night she would take a whiskey ad. She would hold it
up before me and say, "Whiskey - bad, bad, bad, bad! Whiskey - bad,
bad!" Then I was required to say, "Whiskey - bad, bad!" She
would then get a frown on her face, tear up the ad, throw it on the floor and
stomp on it. She would shout, "WHISKEY - NO, NO! WHISKEY - BAD, BAD!"
Mother was trying to associate bad words with
whiskey. I do not know when she started this. I do know it was before I
realized it, and the association between the words "whiskey" and
"no" made a lasting impression on my mind and life.
For our children I would take a Bible story like
"The Good Samaritan." I would be the man who was attacked. I would
rock and reel like I had been attacked. I would then lie down like the man
beside the road. I would then become the priest and Levite who came by and
looked on him. Then I would come by and be the good Samaritan. I made it as
interesting as possible. This was a regular ritual at bedtime at our house. As
long as our children were small they looked forward to Dad telling them stories
from the Bible and acting them out.
Once a little girl was being told the story,
"The Good Samaritan," by her Christian worker. The teacher described
how the man had been beaten, stripped of his raiment, was lying there bloody
and hurt. Then she asked her class, "Girls, what would you have done if
you had seen a man in that shape?"
A little girl said, "I would have thrown
up!"
Stories are real to little children. One of the
best ways to train a child is to take Bible stories and truths and teach them
night after night and day after day.
Start off with simple ones like, "God is
love," "Be ye kind one to another," etc. As soon as possible,
teach verses that are more difficult. It is very important that a child be
taught to memorize the Word of God in the early days of his life.
The father is God's representative. God calls
Himself our Heavenly Father and then gives a father to each home. The child
should respect, revere and love that father. When he hears of his Heavenly
Father he will find it easy to respect and obey Him. This means that the
child's earthly father should do his best to emulate the Heavenly Father. For
the child who has a Christian father, his thoughts of God are those of being a
man, for the Christian father is the nearest thing on earth to God to the
little child.
This means all authority. When he is taught to obey
every authority such as his father, his mother, his Sunday school teacher, his
baby sitter, etc., it will not seem difficult for him to obey God when he hears
and understands the plan of salvation.
In infancy this punishment should not be associated with the Heavenly
Father, but the law of sowing and reaping can be taught in infancy and early
childhood. Since the father is God's image and representative in the home, he
should, of course, act as much like the Heavenly Father as possible. As the
Heavenly Father punishes wrong, so should the earthly father punish wrong. As
this punishment breaks the heart of the Heavenly Father, even so it should
break the heart of the earthly father. As this punishment from the Heavenly
Father is prompted by love, even so should the punishment from the earthly
father be prompted by love.
Perhaps there is no better way for the child to learn about God than for him
to have the proper relationship with his father. Respect for God's deputy in
the home will lead to respect for God and to an early conversion.
Chapter Eight: EXPRESSING LOVE TO YOUR CHILD
For most of my days at home, I was the Only child. Lorene was the first
child; she was afflicted. Lorene never walked or talked; in fact, she never got
out of bed. She lived to be seven, and at that age, God took her to Himself.
The second child was a little girl named Hazel. Hazel was in every way a
normal child. When she was seven she had a serious case of the measles and
appeared to be well. Suddenly, however, there was a relapse and God took her to
Heaven to be with Lorene.
The third child was Earlyne, my sister, who is eight years my senior and who
is now Bursar at Hyles-Anderson College. When I was a young boy, Earlyne
married. Not long after that, my father left us, and Mother and I were left to
live together. Maybe it was because I was the only boy, maybe it was because
Mother's two oldest children went to Heaven at the age of seven, or maybe it
was because of my father turning to alcohol and leaving home that caused my
mother to be very loving and affectionate to me. I do not ever recall as a
child going to bed at night without my mother saying, "I love you,
son." I do not ever recall to this day ever being at my mother's or with
my mother for a small period of time without hearing her say, "I love you,
son," as we parted. I am assuming in this chapter that you do love your
child. There are millions of parents who sincerely love their children who are
unable to convey that love. There are several ways that love can be expressed.
Start at birth saying, "I love you." Let
it be one of the first things that registers in the mind of the child. Let it
be one of the first sentences the child learns to say. These "I love
you's" should be appropriate. When the child is an infant, this poses no
problem, for an infant cannot be embarrassed by such treatment. However, as the
months and years pass, the verbal expressions of love should be fitly spoken at
appropriate times and in appropriate ways. It should always be said at bedtime.
For the smaller child it should be said when he goes out to play. It can be
said later as the child leaves for school. The wise parents will be careful,
however, when the child grows older to become more private with their verbal
expressions of love.
It must be remembered that when a child comes into
the world his first impressions are through feelings. As soon as he begins to
talk, he soon learns to ask the question, "Do you love me?" He is
grasping for affection.
Words are wonderful, but they are not enough. I
John 3:18, "My little children, let us not love in word, neither in
tongue; but in deed and in truth." When the infant has physical contact
with his parents, he has a tremendous urge to be cuddled, held, hugged and
kissed. It is tragic but true that most parents do very little of this,
especially as the infant becomes a small child and as the small child becomes a
bigger child and as the bigger child becomes an adolescent. As the little child
grows older, the touch of the parent is basically given only when necessary,
such as when dressing the child, putting him into his high chair, helping him
into the car, etc. The wise parent will find ways of giving physical contact to
his child. When the stage of infancy is over, the cuddling and
"gooey" physical contact should transfer into a more casual behavior
for a boy than for a girl. For a boy, the contact should be diminished
gradually, and as he becomes an older child, such affection in front of others
should be almost eliminated. When our son, David, was a boy, I would poke him
in the ribs, tassel his hair, slap him on the knee, pat him on the back, trip
him as he walked down the hall, "accidentally on purpose" bump into
him as we met, etc. In times of serious conversation, I would place my hand
casually on his shoulder. This was not seemingly a planned kind of a thing as
far as he was concerned. It was casual and apparently nonchalant.
As he became older, his needs for physical
affection such as hugging and kissing lessened. However, he still needed
physical contact. I turned to such methods as jostling, boxing, giving bear
hugs, wrestling, etc. These physical contacts were never showy or obvious but
were relaxed and natural.
For the daughters, the physical expressions were
different. Of course, as infants there was the same type of
"goochie-goo" that I gave to David. I would pat them on the cheek,
touch them on the shoulder, lightly touch the hand, arm or shoulder. I might
even place my arm around a daughter with a half joking little pull or jerk
toward me. I might slip up behind one of the girls and put my hands over her
eyes and say, "Guess who!" in a disguised voice. I would maybe
casually hold her hand as we strolled down the sidewalk, and in more tender
moments I would gently kiss her on the cheek with a soft, "I love
you," whispered into her ear.
While a boy's desire for the affectionate type of
physical contact lessens as he grows older, a girl's increases, and her need
for tender affection is greater. Perhaps the boy's lessens because this type of
expression is considered sissy or feminine. At gradually decreased my
affectionate type of physical contact, while during the same years I increased
this show of affection to the girls.
Bare in mind, I gave David this affection in
abundance when he was an infant. It is sad but true that infant girls under the
age of one receive much, much more affection than infant boys. This should not
be the case. Maybe this accounts for the fact that many times more boys need
psychiatric help than do girls.
The wise parent will use physical contact to
express love to his small child. It must be noted, however, that this physical
contact should decrease sharply as the child approaches adolescence in the case
of mother to son and father to daughter.
Each parent should spend time alone with each
child. Children are important. Notice how Jesus regarded them in Mark 10:13-16.
Notice how important children are in Psalm 127:3-5. Because each child is
important, then each one should feel that he is a specially designed gift from
God. He needs individual attention from the parent. Gifts, ice cream and candy,
etc. will not take the place of time. It is very important that a child have
definite personal attention given to him. Find time to be alone with him. Let
this time be free from distractions. Let it be his time. Many times when the
children were small, I made appointments with them. When others would seek my
attention at that time, I would not grant it to them. I would say that I had an
appointment. I realize that finding time to be alone with each child is
difficult, but the good parent will find such time. This special treatment when
parent and child are alone together giving their undivided attention to each
other will be sacred. The child will never forget it as the memories grow
sweeter with the passing of the years.
With our urban society, it is extremely difficult
to give time to each child. We only have 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, and 60
minutes to the hour. This means that it is impossible for one to fulfill all of
his obligations. Hence, it becomes a matter of priorities. This is where your
child fits in. He must be given some time! It will not take a lot of time. It
just takes a small amount of time which is all his. He must feel that there is
nothing else you want to do, and he must feel that he is very special. It must
be time spent with him alone. This is a critical need in the life of every
child.
One of the dangers with the kind of relationships
we are talking about is the possibility of developing a possessiveness which
means the child is too dependent upon the parents. Before a child is born, he
totally dependent upon his mother. When he is 4 and 5 years of age, he is 90%
dependent. When he is 6 and 7 years of age, he is approximately 75% dependent.
When he becomes 9-12 years of age, he is about 50% dependent. In his early teen
years, he is about 25% dependent. When in high school he is about 10%
dependent. Notice that he is gradually through the years becoming independent.
Now while we are attempting to be close to him, we must of necessity realize
that he is going through a process of leaving us. Hence, we must not smother
the child, but we should give him some time that is all his.
Another danger with parents who spend time with
their children is the danger of trying to live their lives through their
children. In other words, the mother leads her daughter to do what the mother
herself has always wanted to do or what she tried to do and failed to do. This
often happens with the father. This is a form of over-possessiveness where the
father identifies with the son or the mother identifies with the daughter in an
effort for the child to succeed where the parent failed. This is very
dangerous. The father could want to make his son perform athletic feats which
he himself could not perform. The mother could wish to live vicariously through
her daughter's educational life or even romantic life.
The wise parent will give the child some time that
is his own, and when natural separation takes place, the parent may perform it
graciously and admirably to the child's happiness with the new mate's
gratitude, and the parent will have some justifiable feeling of accomplishment.
There are some children who resist receiving affection; that is, they resist
the usual ways that parents give love. They would not like to be touched by the
parent, they do not want individual attention from the parent, and they may reject
verbal expressions of love. Usually they are not rejecting love; they actually
WANT love but will not allow themselves to appear to like it. This child should
be treated rather normally. However, since he feels uncomfortable in receiving
love, or at least appears to do so, a gradual increasing in showing love is in
order.
It is wise for parents not to demonstrate love at times when the child
obviously prefers not to receive it. It may manifest itself when the parent is
obviously planning to give affection. For example, suppose the parent has
planned a time for being alone with the child and the child gets the idea that
it is going to be a love-making time; he then builds up a resistance. Often a
child refuses love when he is not well. This also is a time when he knows the
parent is going to offer it. The child knows that it is the time to receive
love. He knows that this is a good time for his parents to come to his rescue
and demonstrate their affection. Now since these are usual times of expression,
he openly rebels against them. He wants these tender moments to be spontaneous,
unique to him. He may even feel that the parent feels obligated to show his
love and that it is not sincere.
(All of us have a little bit of this resistance in us when it is the time
expected for people to do something kind for us. Many of us would rather have
attention for no seeming reason which comes because of spontaneity.)
To conquer this problem, the parent should try not to be predictable in
showing his love. He must win the child's confidence by spontaneously at
different times expressing love. Gradually, the child can become confident of
the sincerity of his expressions. He will then accept affection at the
traditional times also.
All children need these natural ways of receiving love. They need special
attention, they need physical contact, they need to be loved when emotionally
upset, when ill, when victorious, on their birthdays, at Christmastime, etc.,
but often they will not receive it because it is the time expected of parents
to give it. Of course, a normal parent is going to want to show affection at
the traditional times. This will develop later if the parent is patient by
starting gradually with little surprising, spontaneous displays and gradually
increasing until the child is happy to accept the parent's affection in its
completeness.
Chapter Nine: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Following are a few of the questions that have been asked me through the
years concerning the rearing of infants:
QUESTION: Is it better to teach children in a group or on a one-to-one
basis?
ANSWER: A child who early in life does not develop deep one-to-one
relationships often has difficulty developing these relationships in
adult-hood. This is why it is better for a child to grow up in a home than in
an institution; that is, if the home is what it ought to be. In institutional
living, the child relates to many people but without close contact to any one
individual. Children raised in institutions often are delightful people, but
they have not been trained in giving themselves to an individual and to a
meaningful relationship.
Though I do believe that families should spend some time together, I also
believe that every parent should spend time alone on a regular basis with each
child in order that he may get to know him as an individual. Susanna Wesley,
the famous mother of John and Charles Wesley, did this. Though she had many
children, she gave each one an hour a week when she taught him and trained him.
It is, I think, very important that even in infancy this one-on-one
relationship be established. Not only should there be times when Mother and
Father and all the children get in the car and go somewhere or fellowship in a
room together, it is also important that each child get to know each parent in
a personal way.
QUESTION: What is the most important need in a parent's personality?
ANSWER: Consistency! It is vitally important that the parent be consistent
in his reactions if the baby is to learn properly. The baby learns from each
situation that he encounters. His mind records parental response. It is vital
that this parental response be consistent. Suppose, for example, that he points
his finger to you and says, "No, no, no, no, no!" and the first time
he does it, you laugh. Then the next time he does it you become angry. Then
your child will have to test you again and again in order to see which reaction
will be the most prevalent one.
Suppose one time he throws his cup on the floor. You smile because you are
in a good mood, and very lovingly you say, "Don't do that again."
Then the next time he throws the cup on the floor in the same manner, he wants
another smile. This time you are not in such a good mood. You become angry. You
spank him on the hand, and scold him vehemently. The child has no way to record
a consistent pattern of behavior on your part. He may continue throwing the cup
on the floor until he finds what your usual reaction is going to be. In other
words, it confuses the child when the parent acts inconsistently. The child
needs to know what his behavior will do to you and what kind of response each
action on his part will bring from you. The truth is, your baby is a research
scientist, and you are his laboratory. He is studying to find out what responses
you will give to various stimuli. This little scientist will discontinue his
experiment when he finds a definite trend. Hence, it is tremendously important
that the parent be predictable and consistent in his behavior and his response.
QUESTION: Pastor, I am expecting a baby, but I am not married. Should I keep
the baby or place it for adoption?
ANSWER: There is no set answer to this question. There are, however, a few
guidelines by which I go in counseling unmarried expectant mothers.
This kind of advice is not very popular today with all the illegitimate
children there are, but it is far better for the baby to have a Christian
father and mother and a good, solid home than to grow up in a situation where
there is no father and where soon he will learn that he is an illegitimate
child and that his mother conceived him in sin. People sometimes argue with
this advice, but they don't have to see the child at school filling out the
form that says, "Father's name." They don't attend the first piano
recital and hear the other children say, "Where is your father?" They
do not see the child as he grows up having to answer on questionnaires and
application forms hundreds of times the name of his father and there is no name
to put there. (Every reader would agree with this writer if he had had the
experience that I have had in dealing with such cases.)
QUESTION: At what age should I put my child in the church nursery?
ANSWER: Put him there as soon as you, Mother, are strong enough to come to
church. Usually this would be within two weeks. The child should get the idea
immediately that there is a big building that you go to every week. His little
mind thinks, "Some real nice people see me there. Those real nice people
all have big black books with them and they seem so happy." These things
should register in the child's mind as soon as possible.
Yes, I know that all the church nurseries aren't as clean as they should be,
but all of your houses aren't as clean as they should be either. Take the child
to God's house, and put him in the nursery the first Sunday and every Sunday
when the parents are able to attend.
QUESTION: When is a child old enough to be spanked?
ANSWER: This is a disputed question. I will tell you what has been done to
our children. I spanked them as soon as they were able to walk. This may be as
early as nine months. In the case of our children, it was nearer to a year.
When I say spank, I do not mean slap, hit, attack, or beat, I mean, spank. I
recommend using the open hand on the child's little bottom.
In my book, HOW TO REAR CHILDREN, I go into great detail explaining how to
spank. It is, however, important for an infant to be spanked sooner after the
wrong is done than for an older child. A spanking should always be associated
with a crime, and the child should know that the spanking is associated with
the particular wrong that he has done. Time moves much slower to an infant
which means the spanking cannot be quite as planned as it is with an older
child. It must be almost as soon as the crime is committed so that he may
connect the wrong and the punishment.
QUESTION: What is the main reason babies cry if they are not sick or
hurting?
ANSWER: Boredom! When the baby is born, he is capable of doing several things.
He can feel, he can taste, he can see, he can hear, he can smell, etc. The baby
has a natural desire to use these gifts called senses. If he does not have
ample opportunity to use these gifts or senses, he becomes bored.
When babies become bored, they show their boredom by crying, and they
usually cry until somebody does something to alleviate the boredom. This means
the baby should have sufficient toys, attachments to his crib and, yes, even
attention from the parents to keep him from being bored.
QUESTION: Is it true that a child cannot see until he is six weeks old?
ANSWER: Absolutely not! The child can see his mother while he is still at
the hospital, and no one can disprove this.
QUESTION: Is an infant's smile caused by gas?
ANSWER: Absolutely not! An infant smiles because he is happy or pleased. He
may smile at his mother immediately. Do not forget that the infant is a human
being; so I am; so are you. Having gas on the stomach doesn't make me smile; it
doesn't make you smile; and it doesn't make a baby smile. It may be the baby
will smile at the very moment there is gas, but this does not mean the gas
causes a smile. A baby is human. He smiles like any other human. He smiles
because he is pleased or happy or because he loves you or is expressing that
love.
QUESTION: I have an adopted child. When and how should I tell him that he is
adopted?
ANSWER: By all means, tell him. Start when he is a little child telling him
that there are two ways mothers and fathers get babies. One is that God brings
them into a home and they stay there. The other is that God sometimes lets
parents go to another home and choose their baby. Make this last method seem
very appealing to the child. Keep teaching it to him until he is five or six
years of age. Tell him that you were very fortunate in that you got to choose
your baby. Let him know that he was born of someone else but that God gave him
to you for a special reason. Handled properly, the child can feel even more
loved than the one naturally born.
QUESTION: I am a mother rearing a child alone. What can I do to substitute
for my child not having a father?
ANSWER: My mother faced the same problem. I can tell you how she solved it.
She chose men whom she admired and whom she wanted me to emulate, and she let
them be a father-image to me. She pointed them out and told me what qualities
they had. She would ask me to see what qualities I thought they had that were
good. We discussed them, and she told me that was what she wanted me to be like
when I became a man.
She would often talk to one of these men and ask if he could be a little bit
close to me.
She also saw to it that I was around masculine men. She encouraged me to
participate in sports so that I would be around coaches and men that are
athletic. In other words, she encouraged me to get to know masculine men, to be
around them. Then in a subtle way, they helped me.
QUESTION: What can I do to prevent my child from becoming a homosexual or a
lesbian?
ANSWER: There is not one definite answer to your question, but there are a
few things worth remembering. First, I would suggest that little boys play with
little boys, and that little girls play with little girls. This not to say that
little boys should never play with little girls, and that little girls should never
play with little boys. It is to say that by far the majority of a child's
playing should be with his own sex. So much of the sex drive is caused by the
unknown. If a little boy plays with other little boys, there will be a mystique
about girls, but if he plays with little girls too much, they will become
commonplace and there will be a mystique toward little boys. The human race is
so constructed that when something becomes commonplace, it is not nearly as
attractive to us. The old adage, "The grass is greener on the other side
of the fence," applies here. In childhood this grass on the other side of
the fence should be the opposite sex. If it is one 5 own sex, there would be a
curiosity about that. Now I'm aware that the modern psychologists will say,
"Let little boys see little girls, and let little girls see little boys,
and let them become acquainted with the biological differences, and let them
see each other unclothed." Let me remind you that that same generation of
modern psychologists is turning out an unbelievable amount of homosexuals in
our country!
The wise parents of a little boy will teach him that the body of a little
girl is sacred, and they will see to it that he plays with other little boys.
As he grows older, this mystique will follow its normal course, and he will be
attracted to the opposite sex or "the grass on the other side of the
fence."
One of the best ways of doing this is to lead the boy to develop interests
that are masculine. This means his hobbies, his activities and his interests
should be masculine to the extent that it will require him to be around other
boys. The same is true for little girls developing feminine interests. (Please
obtain and read the author's booklet, "Is the Homosexual Sick or
Sinful?" It will throw added light on your question and its answer.)
QUESTION: Does my child hate discipline?
ANSWER: Quite to the contrary! Children actually like discipline; they enjoy
it. Life is more predictable when parents set rules and enforce them with
consistency. Children like things that are predictable and that have pattern.
There is also security in having boundaries set by strong leadership.
Quite often a teenager will come to me and ask me if I will spank him. When
I ask him why, he says, "My mother and dad never spanked me. I wish
someone loved me enough to spank me now."
Of course, this discipline must come from loving parents to children who
trust them. When the child learns to trust Mom and Dad, he will be glad for the
boundaries they set, for he will know it is for his own good. This discipline,
regardless of what shape it takes, should teach the child, even in infancy,
that doing wrong brings discomfort and not comfort and that the pain of doing
wrong is far greater than its enjoyment.
All over America today older people with nothing wrong with them are lying
in rest homes forsaken and forgotten. There are those for whom it is best to be
in such an environment, but there are tens of thousands of these dear older
people who, because their children do not want to bother with them, are placed
in these homes. These are the parents who did not have a close relationship
with their children and/or who did not punish them for wrong. They helped to
teach their children irresponsibility. Now that the children have grown up and the
parents have grown old, the sons and daughters lack the responsibility to take
care of their obligation toward the ones who reared them.
QUESTION: What are the most important things to remember as I discipline my
child?
ANSWER: First, always warn the child in advance of what the punishment will
be for his wrong. This warning can be by telling him if he is old enough. If he
is not old enough, he must learn it by the consistent and predictable
punishment meted out by the parents. This is what makes punishing infants so
difficult. You can't tell a one-year-old child in advance what the punishment
will be for his wrongdoing, but he must be taught the pain of doing wrong. This
is where spanking enters. A child must be spanked when he gets close to danger.
You can't tell a child who is 11 months old that he will be electrocuted if he
plays with a wall socket. You cannot tell him that he will fall out of a window
and kill himself if he crawls near the windowsill. It is far better to give
spankings than to endanger his life.
The pseudo child psychologist will preach from the housetops against
spanking a child; he would do better to realize that it is better for a child
to have a little physical discomfort on his bottom end than to be lying dead.
Self-styled experts had better understand that it is more child abuse to risk
the child's chances of being electrocuted than to sting his bottom a little bit
in teaching him not to play with a wall plug. There are those (who, by the way,
have never successfully reared a decent child) who believe that anything a
child does willfully should be accepted and that he is only expressing his
feelings, and if we limit him in his behavior, it will cause frustrations in
his personality. Nothing could be farther from the truth! The child should be
frustrated in his attempt to do wrong! When he is old enough to walk around, he
is ready for discipline, punishment and, yes, spanking. He will be a lot less
frustrated concerning what he can and can't do.
When each of our children was about a year old, I took him on a guided tour
of the house, and when he felt he wanted to go his own way, I gently but
sternly spanked. We didn't move the vases in our house, rearrange the furniture
or take the pictures off the walls. We are reminded in holy Scripture,
"Whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth." Hence, chastening should be an
expression of love.
Suppose a child tears a paper. Scold him when he tears it the first time.
When he tears it again, include a mild spanking and a disturbed "No."
If he tears it again, react in the same way. In a while the child will get the
idea that the parent is consistent, always rendering the same punishment for
the same crime. This same procedure may have to be carried out about many, many
things until the child knows and can see that a pattern has been set.
When David was a little boy, he would throw his chocolate milk on the floor.
He turned over the chocolate milk and laughed as it spilled on the floor. I
reacted firmly with both displeasure and punishment that he shouldn't do it. He
enjoyed seeing the floor colored with a chocolate color. Following this deed
that caused this enjoyment was a painful punishment. He finally got the idea
that the enjoyment was not worth the pain. He was convinced that seeing a
chocolate covered floor through tears with a hurting bottom was not as much fun
as he thought it was.
He then looked at the chocolate milk, looked at me and I was still frowning.
I raised my hand as if to punish him again. He then said, "No, no, no,
no!" He took the chocolate milk and held it in his hand and did not spill
it. Immediately a smile came across my face, and I hugged him and told him how
proud of him I was. He soon discovered that restraint was more fun that
yielding to his temptation. He discovered that his dad was consistent and
predictable and that the pleasure from his dad's smile and loving gestures was
more fun than a chocolate covered floor.
If the child is allowed to do things that are destructive or dangerous
without seeing the obvious displeasure of his parents, he will continue with
his wrongdoing.
Some parents who find punishing and spanking unpleasant to their own taste
remove every object in the house that they think could cause trouble and
thereby preserve the child from ever facing a situation where he could do
wrong. Because of this, the child is never taught to control his own appetites,
to discipline his own taste, and to learn self-control. It is far better to
have him find the little pain that comes with little wrong when he is little
than to leave him undisciplined and have him know later the big pain that comes
from big wrong when he is big and then finally have him know the eternal pain
that comes from the eternal wrong of rejecting Christ when he is in eternity!
QUESTION: Just exactly what does it mean in Proverbs 22:6 when the Lord
says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he
will not depart from it"?
ANSWER: In the original language, the word for "train up" has to
do with the inside of a mouth. To be quite frank, it compares a child with a
horse, and his training is compared to the use of a bridle placed in his mouth.
James 3:3, "Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey
us; and we turn about their whole body." An untamed or untrained horse has
a bridle put in his mouth. That bridle is used by the trainer to teach the
horse to obey him in the way the trainer would have the horse to go. Just as
the horse trainer brings the horse into submission to the will of the trainer,
even so it is our job to train up a child so that he will submit himself to the
will of God.
QUESTION: What influence does television have on an infant?
ANSWER: Researchers tell us that very young children watch television for ¼
of their waking hours. This limits the growth of a child's brain capacity! It
makes him more restless and fussy. It is too noisy and stimulating. It has
contributed largely to the changing pattern of behavior among our children. It
also takes him away from one of the most important things of childhood and that
is reading. I would suggest that if a child is allowed to watch television at
all, it be for not more than one hour a day and that the program be carefully
chosen by the parent.
QUESTION: During the nine months of pregnancy, what are some things the
expectant mother can do?
ANSWER: In general, be as happy as possible. Avoid tension and strife. Be as
calm as possible. Live by a planned, disciplined schedule. Think happy
thoughts. Read good books, and enjoy the days of waiting. I do not know how
much is translated from mother to baby during pregnancy, but I do know that
such habits will make for a better mother.
(Much of the material throughout this manuscript pertains to the preparation
of the mother for baby's arrival.)
QUESTION: What are some negative attitudes that develop in the heart and
mind of the new mother?
ANSWER: The new mother may become unsure of herself. She may feel a sense of
inadequacy. Then a new mother may even feel resentment. Up until now her time
has been her own. She has been free to go and come. She has not been tied down.
Suddenly this freedom has been taken away from her, for the little one demands
most of her attention. During pregnancy the mother should be aware of these
possible reactions and prepare for them.
This resentment could come because of a false assumption that the baby will
draw the mother closer to her husband. Then she finds that this little
peacemaker can become a divider, and instead of bringing them together, the
newborn can become a wedge to separate them. This possibility should be
realized and preparation during pregnancy should be made.
QUESTION: What are some negative things that can enter into the father's
mind?
ANSWER: The father could become jealous of the attention his wife gives the
new baby. His wife's total life has belonged to him. Now she has so much
responsibility for the child, and he may feel abandoned. These possibilities
must be considered.
The couple must not only prepare for them, but the young mother must give
extra attention to the husband, and both of them must work hard to be close
during these important days.
QUESTION: What is the most important thing for a father to be?
ANSWER: The most important thing for the father to be to the child is a good
image. The first idea that the child has concerning what God is like is that of
his father. He has never seen God; consequently, his earthly father is an image
of his Heavenly Father. Because of this, the earthly father must be as near as
possible what the Heavenly Father is. One day the child will know the Heavenly
Father in a personal relationship, but until he is old enough to transfer that
image, his father is God to him. Now don't misunderstand me. The father is not
in a real sense God, but the father represents God and has power of attorney
from the Heavenly Father, and he is to present God's image to the child.
QUESTION: At what age should the parent begin teaching the Bible to the
child?
ANSWER: I taught the Bible to each of our children as soon as he was home
from the hospital. Every night I would tell a Bible story. I would act it out.
I would take stories like "Jonah and the Whale," "David and
Goliath," "Daniel in the Lion's Den," etc. and tell the entire
story using such things as pantomime, monologue, etc. I did this practically
every night at bedtime from the time the children were a week old.
QUESTION: At what age should the child be taught the plan of salvation?
ANSWER: I taught our children the plan of salvation regularly from the time
they came home from the hospital. Now I do not know when such truths begin to
register in the mind of a child. Since I do not know when, I want to be sure I
am telling the child the truth of God and the way to Heaven when that time does
arrive.
QUESTION: What are the consequences in failing to discipline?
ANSWER: Hebrews 12:8, "But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all
are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons." What this verse really
says is that an undisciplined child is like an illegitimate child. Because he
is not disciplined, he will feel like he belongs to no one and will have the
feeling that he is illegitimate. Disciplining with love and consistency gives
the child security of sonship and true parenthood.
QUESTION: What are the basic needs of the infant?
ANSWER: Food, sleep, love, expressions of that love, exercise, and freedom
from boredom. (For a small infant, exercise is very limited since he is
confined to the swinging of the arms and legs. This means that the child should
not be covered too heavily and that the room should be kept at a warm
temperature so the child can have freedom of movement.)
QUESTION: What is the most common mistake concerning the house itself?
ANSWER: The house is too often designed for adults and not for children.
When the child comes, he should be given a room if at all possible that is
designed for him. Then the house should take on a new atmosphere. A person
should be able to go into any room in the house and realize a child lives
there.
QUESTION: Are the child's adult years affected by what happens during the
first year of his life?
ANSWER: Definitely! The impact of a child's first year on his adult behavior
has been documented again and again. For him to be a well established child in
his first year with his emotional needs satisfied will help give him emotional
stability during his adolescence and adulthood. Meeting these first-year
emotional needs, however, is a great task which requires time and patience. The
parent must learn to see the world through the baby's eyes. The parent must
realize that the newborn baby is not a vegetable; he is a human being, and the
foundation is being laid for an entire life.
QUESTION: Does a baby require extended care by his parents?
ANSWER: Extended care is not as important as the kind of care. The baby
needs to feel, even by instinct, a sense of self-esteem. When this is
established along with emotional security during the first year of a child's
life, it will help him throughout the rest of his life.
QUESTION: Should the mother of an infant ever work?
ANSWER: There is no ironclad answer to this question. My answer would be,
"No, unless it is necessary for the mother to help in the making of the
living or if the mother is rearing the child alone, such as in the case of a widow,
etc." In other words, there are circumstances that would require the
mother to work during her child's infancy. This should not be done, however,
just to drive a nicer car, buy a nicer home, buy nicer furniture, or enjoy more
luxuries in life than could be enjoyed if the mother were at home.
QUESTION: If the mother works, should the father help in caring for the
baby, doing housework and other duties which are normally wifely ones?
ANSWER: If both the husband and wife have full-time jobs, then they should
share the work at home. The wife, for example, could do the cooking and the
washing of the dishes, and the husband could do the laundry and some of the
housework. The Bible plan is for man to make the living and the woman to do the
housework. If, however, the woman must share in the making of the living, then
the man should share in the work at home; that is to say, if the woman must
help the man do his part, then the man should help the woman do her part.
QUESTION: Is traveling harmful to a baby or small child?
ANSWER: Usually it is not. Babies seem to adapt easily, and as long as
safety rules are adhered to strictly, it should not hurt the baby. It is a good
idea, however, to take baby's familiar objects along on the trip. Of course,
Mom and Dad are most familiar to him, but he should have his own blanket,
pillow, toys, etc. so as to make the car, train or plane as much like home as
possible and give a homey atmosphere even to a motel room.
It is also a good idea to keep the baby on schedule as much as possible.
Travel changes the baby's routine. The wise parent will try to keep the baby as
near to his schedule as possible.
QUESTION: How can I alleviate the baby's fear of going to the doctor?
ANSWER: Make going to the doctor a delightful experience by having some
enjoyable things to do on the same trip. Teach the child that going to the
doctor is associated with a fun time on the way and returning. The parent could
make the trip to the doctor a venture which includes going by the park to swing
or going by the amusement park for a few minutes and getting something to eat
or drink that the child enjoys. Whatever activities that are chosen should be
limited to this one venture-that of going to the doctor. Then the child can
delight in the trip to the doctor, and the particular day chosen for this trip
can bring a smile instead of a frown to his face.
Chapter Ten: DISCIPLINE AND PUNISHMENT
A generation ago child psychologists came out with the theory that spanking
a child may leave him with inner rebellion. They proposed that his desires
should not be thwarted. Child psychology courses emphasized this theory.
Unconverted professors and Bible-rejecting lecturers joined with misguided
authors in spreading the theory that spanking a child would leave him with
certain repressed desires and would thwart his progress. Sincere, but deceived
parents and educators swallowed this poison. Hence, we did not spank the
child's hands when he did wrong. We took the paddle out of the schoolroom and
the bite out of the law. Those unspanked children are now grown. Whereas they
were throwing vases in living rooms, they are now throwing stones through
storefront windows. Whereas they were lighting matches in kitchens, now they
are setting fires to shopping centers, R.O.T.C. buildings, and banks. Whereas
they were holding baby brothers hostage in basements, they are now holding
principals and college presidents hostage in administration buildings. Whereas
they were rebelling against mothers and fathers, now they are rebelling against
God and country. Whereas parents would not force them to bathe when the could
have done so, now society cannot make them bathe as adults. Because they were
not forced to dress properly as children, they will not dress properly nor
assume responsibility in society now.
These prophets of anarchy taught us that spanking a child would cause the
child to hate the parents. Now these unspanked children, who are supposed to
love their parents, embrace a philosophy whose first premise is hatred and even
a willingness to kill Mother and Father, but the young folks who were spanked
as children and disciplined in adolescence have a love for their aging parents
that is envied by those who were deceived by these pseudo psychologists.
Headed by their messiah, who was a leading children's physician, and
inspired by his disciples who led this movement in the schoolroom, the
followers of this heresy accused the Bible-believers of ruling by force and not
by love. They included in their gospel such foolish statements as, "I love
my boy too much to whip him," etc. They refused to accept God's admonition
in Proverbs 13:24, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that
loveth him chasteneth him betimes." In Hebrews 12:6 we read, "For
whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He
receiveth." Now we face a generation of anarchy, rebellion, and yes, even
revolution which has been sown in doctors' offices, classrooms, and nurseries
by such tools as typewriters, office pens, and the silver tongues of orators.
Since disregarding the Word of God concerning discipline has led us to
arrive at our present destination, let us seek the reversal of such a trend by
examining the Scriptures and heeding them.
The Bible is clear that little children are born in sin. Psalm 51:5,
"Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive
me." Psalm 53:8, "The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go
astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies." Because of this God has
given parents to children to discipline them, to spank them, and to teach them
the awful results of wrong. The plain teaching of the Scripture is that the
parent who disciplines his child does both child and parent a great favor. Let
us notice these favors.
Proverbs 29:15, "The rod and reproof give
wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." The
child is taught the wisdom that sin does not pay and that it brings
displeasure, discomfort, and heartache. He will learn to associate wrong with
punishment and thereby flee from it.
Proberbs 29:15b, "but a child left to himself
bringeth his mother to shame." Oh, the heartbreak endured by parents who
have failed to discipline their children. Many such are decaying in old folks'
homes across the nation and around the world. They sit by silent telephones and
search through empty mail boxes made so by the ungrateful child whose life is
bringing shame and reproach to Mother and Dad. While these lovely souls pine
their hearts away in remorse, their old-fashioned counterparts enjoy security,
protection, provision, and love from those whom they spanked and disciplined as
children.
Proverbs 20:30, "The blueness of a wound ~lean
seth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." In other
words, the parent who disciplines cleanses the child from evil character and
inward sin. The child has been taught that sin brings trouble. He learns to
fear and hate it. Someday he will rise and call his parents blessed.
In writing to Timothy in I Timothy 3:4, S, Paul
says that a pastor should be one who "ruleth well his own house, having
his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule
his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)" He also disqualifies
from the office of deacon one who does not control his children properly. I
Timothy 3:12, "Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their
children and their own houses will." Hence, one who does not follow God's
plain teaching about di5cipline is not qualified to hold either of the offices
in the New Testament church. God will not use men who disobey Him in this vital
matter. One reason God blessed Abraham so mightily is the fact that He could
trust him to "command his children and his household after him,"
according to Genesis 18:17-19.
Eli, the high priest in the days of Samuel,
forfeited great blessings from God because he did not properly discipline his
sons. His two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, were both wicked men. In I Samuel
3:12-14 we have God's judgment upon him. Notice very carefully in verse 13 the
words, "because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them
not." Judgment fell upon Eli and upon his house because he did not
discipline his sons.
Exodus 20:12, "Honour thy father and thy
mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth
thee." What a favor the parent does for the child when he disciplines and
spanks him! He literally adds years to his life.
The Bible teaches in Proverbs 22:6, "Train up
a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from
it." In other words, when the child is away from home without the presence
of the discipline of his mother and father, he will not depart from his
training. He will become a happy and prosperous member of society and will be a
properly adjusted adult. This Scripture should be observed very carefully. Many
parents of children who have gone into deep and terrible sin comfort themselves
in the fact that the child will come back because Proverbs 22:6 promises it.
This is not the teaching here! The Bible never promises that a child who goes
off in deep sin will come back, but rather teaches that a child reared properly
will never depart from the way he has been trained. In other words, it does not
say, "he will come back to what he has been taught," but rather it
says, "he will not depart from what he has been taught."
Proverbs 23:13 says, "Withhold not correction
from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die."
Now at first reading we might be led to believe that the teaching of this verse
is that the rod itself will not kill the child and certainly this is true if
administered properly, but there is another teaching here:
The child who has been spanked and taught that
doing wrong brings bad results, tragedy, and punishment will less likely brawl
or be killed in a car wreck because of drinking while driving. He is not as
likely to die of some terrible disease caused by sin. In other words, he will
be taught to live a safer life than he would have lived had he not been
disciplined. Ah, how fortunate is such a one!
Proverbs 23:14, "Thou shalt beat him with the
rod, and shalt deliver his soul from Hell." A child who is spanked will be
taught that there is a holy God Who punishes sin and wrong. Hence, he will
learn to heed authority and obey the laws and rules. When he then hears the
Word of God he will obey what he hears and will accept the Gospel as it is
preached. The parent has kept his child from Hell by teaching him truths that
can be learned only by discipline and the use of the rod.
When the child has been taught to respect authority, obey the rules, and
keep the laws before he starts to school he then transfers this obedience and
respect to his school teacher. Because of this he receives a better education,
better equips himself for life, and will be of more value to society and reap a
larger financial reward. Hence, the parent who disciplines his child
Scripturally is putting money in his pocket and success in his future.
Many parents are willing to abide by the aforementioned principles, yet do
not have the knowledge of the practical side of administering such discipline.
Some practical suggestions follow:
(1.) Let the child realize that you are simply representing God
in the execution of the punishment. Explain to him that parents
represent God before their children and that they are ministers to execute His
judgment. Psalm 103:13 says, "Like as a father pitieth his children, so
the Lord pitieth them that fear Him." So God is like a father and He
chooses fathers and mothers to represent Him in the punishing of little
children. Let the child realize that if you as a parent do not punish him
properly, you are being disobedient to God and committing the same sin the
child is committing. Explain to him that you are a child of God and if you
refuse to obey God in the execution of His judgment upon your children, God
will pour out His wrath upon you. For you to be a good child of God requires
that you be a good parent to the child. Let him understand this. He will get
the idea that God is a holy and just God, One Who loves and yet One Who wants
us to become our best. For this to be so He must punish us when we are
deserving.
(2.) Sometimes spanking should leave stripes on the child.
Proverbs 20:30 says, "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil; so do
stripes the inward parts of the belly." Our natural man rebels at such
punishment, but we are reminded in I Corinthians 2:14 that the natural man
cannot understand the things of the Spirit. Hence, we have to trust the God Who
knows more than we and obey Him.
I can well recall when I was a boy we had a peach tree in the back yard. I
do not ever recall seeing a peach grow on that tree. When I think of the old
peach tree I think of Mother walking back from it with a branch in her hand,
peeling the leaves off as she came. I then recall her using that switch to
spank my little bare legs. I can still see the stripes often left by that
switch, and I thank God for every one of them. Today I call her
"blessed" because of her faithfulness to the teaching of God and her
willingness to obey Him. Placing stripes on me as a child kept me from bearing
more painful ones as an adult. Ephesians 6:4 says, "And, ye fathers bring
them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." The word
"nurture" means "chastening." It is the same word that is
used concerning the scourging of Christ as He was beaten with the
cato'-nine-tails. The wise and spiritual parent obeys God and follows His
commandments, not his own reason.
(3.) Begin early in spanking the child. Susannah Wesley said
she spanked John and Charles before they were a year old. Certainly the wise
parent will start by at least this age. Proverbs 19:18 says, "Chasten thy
son while there is hope, and let not they soul spare for his crying." This
means there is a time in a child's life when no hope is left. During the
formative years, yea, the infant years, the child should be spanked. As soon as
he is old enough to walk away from his parents he should be spanked if he does
not walk where they say he should walk. As soon as he is old enough to
understand what they say, he should be spanked if he disobeys what they say.
This Scripture admonishes us that even when a child is so young that his crying
reaches our sympathy, and though it is hard for us as compassionate parents to
spank one who seems so innocent, we should nevertheless discipline him. Parents
should not have to remove vases and delicate glass ornaments from living room
tables. A house need not become disorderly and full of riots because a baby has
come. Start early in disciplining the child.
(4.) The parent should build such a close relationship that the worst
part of the spanking is the broken fellowship between the child and parent.
I can still recall how disappointed my Mother's face looked when she spanked me
and I can recall how I dreaded displeasing her even more than I dreaded the
spanking, (and believe me, I DID dread the spanking). When the love and
affection is close between the child and parent and the relationship is what it
ought to be, the worst part of a whipping is the broken fellowship. In other
words, when the parent is not disciplining, the relationship should be so
wonderful, the fellowship so sweet, and life so happy that the severance of
that in itself is terrible punishment for the child to endure.
(5.) The spanking should be a ritual. No mother or
father should jerk the child up and in a fit of temper administer a spanking.
In fact, no punishment should ever be given in a fit of temper. The ritual
should be deliberate and last at least ten or fifteen minutes. (In the long run
time will be saved using this method.) It should be a ritual dreaded by the
child. He should not only dread the pain but the time consumed in the ordeal.
(6.) The punishment should always be far in excess of the pleasure
enjoyed by doing the wrong. The child should realize he will always be
the loser by far and that the discomfort will be so multiplied that soon he
will have forgotten the pleasure derived from the wrong.
(7.) The parent should state very clearly to the child the wrongs and
the punishment for each one. As near as possible these wrongs should be
listed with the punishment that is to be inflicted for each one. If the
punishment does not seem to correct it, then perhaps it should be increased.
Some parents have made lists of possible wrongs and have carefully gone over
this list with the child explaining exactly what each punishment would be. The
punishment is inflicted without exception so that the child will know exactly
what to expect.
(8.) Before punishing the child tell him clearly what wrong he has
committed. Talk sternly and deliberately without a display of temper.
Let him know exactly what he has done wrong. Then require that he state to you
exactly what the wrong was so that what he did is very clear to you and to the child.
Then, ask him what the punishment is. By this time he will know. Let him know
that to be just and righteous you must inflict the punishment reminding him
that you are doing it in the place of God against Whom he has really sinned.
(9.) Never give a child that for which he cries. The baby who
cries for attention and gets it will become a child who cries for a toy and
gets it, then a teenager who whines and complains for his every whim and gets
it, and then a young adult who will demonstrate and riot in order to get his
wishes. Riots are not started in the streets but in the crib.
(10.) The spanking should be administered firmly. It should be
painful and it should last until the child's will is broken. It should last until
the child is crying, not tears of anger but tears of a broken will. As long as
he is stiff, grits his teeth, holds on to his own will, the spanking should
continue.
(11.) After the spanking, tell him why you did it. While he is
still crying have him sit down. Explain to him again what the crime was and
that you had no alternative but to obey God and punish him for the crime. Ask
him again to repeat to you what he did that was wrong. Allow the impression of
the association between the wrong and the penalty to be cut deep in his mind.
Then the wise parent should assure the child of his love and explain the
reason he spanked him was because of that love. He should then have the child
remain in the room alone. (All spankings should be administered in privacy and
with a closed door.) The parent should have a brief prayer with the child. Lead
him to realize his sin was really against God. Ask the child to pray asking God
to forgive him. He should then have time to be alone in the room to think over
his wrong for a few minutes. After two to five minutes the parent may open the
door and allow normal activity to resume.
(12.) Parents should always support each other in the disciplining of
the children. Sometimes the mother may think the father is too harsh or
too mean. Sometimes the father may think the mother is illogical or
unreasonable. Such feelings should never be expressed openly. (Perhaps a
discussion can be carried on privately, though in some cases this would not be
advisable.)
Sometimes older teenagers say to me, "Brother Hyles, at our house we
have two sets of rules: my mother's and my father's." This causes
frustration in a child's life. The ideal situation would be for the mother and
father to agree on what is wrong and what punishment should be inflicted. If
this is not possible, there should certainly be support for each other on the
part of each parent. It is always best for the parent to be on the side of
authority, hence, stripping the child of his desire to seek sympathy from one
parent after punishment is meted out by another.
Happy in old age is the parent who obeys God in these matters. Happy is the child who feels the security of such punishment. When Becky, my oldest daughter, graduated from high school and was preparing to go to college, I took her out to eat. I asked her how she was going to rear her children. She looked at me and said, "Dad, exactly as you have reared me." When I asked her why she replied, "Dad, I always knew you loved me when you said, 'No!'